Isn't that bananas? I mean, not really, no: I know how time works, and I know how it passes, and the difference between 2017 and 2013 is night and day and a bunch of other overused sentiments. I don't recognise the person I was then, much like four years from now I probably won't recognise the person I am now. Time is weird and fickle and fleeting and constant and sometimes the only assurance that things are changing, so when I think about that first week of not-drinking, I feel exactly as uncomfortable as I probably did then, only this time it’s because I know how totally fucked up quitting something you really like can be.
You know what else is fucked up? The ridiculous things other people say to you when you don’t drink. So in the spirit of four years and more celebratory sparkling water than you can possibly imagine, here are the statements and questions I, a sober person, hate being asked by people who are not. LET'S LAUGH TOGETHER.
A version of this essay originally appeared in Anne T. Donahue's newsletter, That's What She Said , whichyou can subscribe to here.
"Oh my god, is it okay if I drink?"
They say, usually immediately after ordering a drink. AND LOOK: I get it. You are trying to be accommodating. And thank you! I know you are trying to make drinking in front of me not weird by drinking, but now you've actually made it weird by, well, making it weird. Because first, it will be weird if I say, "No, it isn't okay." (It is okay, BTW — your cab-sauv is not going to make me break my streak and leap over the table and chug it down in front of you.) Second, now I feel hyper-aware that I'm not drinking, and you're hyper-aware that I don't drink, and I will inevitably have to make a joke to put everything back at ease. IT IS 2017 AND OUR CULTURE IS ONE IN WHICH ALCOHOL EXISTS. If I really wanted to drink, I would walk into any restaurant, bar, off license, or supermarket and buy alcohol. I am 31. It's only not okay if you drink if you turn into a total freak in front of me.
Though I will say, if you are a person who drinks and you're hanging out with a person who isn't drinking, it is very annoying for us if you get completely shit-faced on, like, a Thursday evening while we're three bites into our apple crisp. Relax, man.
"You're still not drinking? Good for you!"
There are a shit-ton of reasons why people stop drinking. I stopped drinking because I am addicted to alcohol, and one drink will become all the drinks, and then I will get behind the wheel of my car and go home and take a bunch of whatever-I-can-buy-at-Shoppers that makes me sleepy, and TBH I will say I am a little surprised I am here and alive, typing this to you right now. But okay!
So look: I know you are being supportive by trying to seem supportive, but for the sake of me not having to unpack the history of why I don't drink or take particular brands of cough syrup/cold medicine/sleep aids anymore, stop. Just assume that I am always not drinking. Because when you ask if it's "still a thing" it trivialises it. And when you follow-up with a congratulations, I don't really know how to respond, because you just trivialised it. So say nothing. Let me order my Perrier. It's very cold and refreshing, and I am happy with it.
"Why don't you drink?"
Because fuck youuuuuu are you kidding. Don't ask me or anybody this, please. No one's reasons are the ones you want to hear. Someone asked me this at a party a while back and I was like, "Uhhh..." but now I just say, "Oh, I'm an alcoholic," and then everything gets a bit strange and I REVEL IN IT because are you SERIOUSLY asking me this question at this party, you strange freak. Also: What if I was pregs? What if my liver was failing? What if I have a stomach situation where I will immediately shit my pants upon taking a sip? What if someone I knew JUST DIED because of something alcohol related? My new official answer: I don't drink so I can make you uncomfortable when you ask me that question. NEXT!
"Do you miss it?"
UGHHH man, I don't know. Sure? Can I be honest? It's been four years and I forget what it's like to drink at this point. I also went off and on for years before realising I had an actual problem, so there's a lot at play here. Do I want to drink when something terrible has happened? Yes, I would love to have a wine. But I would also love to have an entire tub of cookie dough, and I don't do that either, because it's not actually going to make anything better.
That said, the first year was very hard and the first week I ended up at a party where everyone was doing shots except for me and I do not recommend that to anyone because fuuuuuck.
"Do you think you'll drink again?"
This is a weird question because it implies you don't know how sobriety works. I mean, some people do drink again, sure. But… what the fuck? (And imagine I said, "Oh absolutely!" What would you do about THAT?)
"I could never quit drinking!"
Cool. I could never go deep sea diving, so look at us!
Honestly, please JUST BE COOL.
I know the presence of a person who doesn't drink can make people who do drink feel awkward. I hated being around sober people when I drank, because I felt like they were judging me, and honestly they probably should've been, because there were certainly a few times when I most certainly acted like an absolute idiot. But I am also hyper-aware to a fault, so maybe this was just my #journey.
But the thing is, as a sober person now, I really don't care if you're drinking. I'm used to being the only person who doesn't drink at a party, so I know that around midnight everyone moves on to another level, and I start to get annoyed, and it's usually time for me to go home. (I kid you not: At one point at every event that involves alcohol, you can feel the energy shift, and everybody starts becoming very revelatory and sharing their secrets — which is fun for maybe two minutes before you're like, "AHHH NO I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THIS.") And then I do go home, and it's great because I've had a nice time and I am home early enough not to feel like doom the next morning.
But the other thing is, if I am making you uncomfortable by not ordering a beer or whatever, that really isn't my fucking problem. It's truly not. I don't care. I think it's weird that you need me to drink so that you can have fun, because I don't remember ever asking anyone not to drink to help me have more fun. It's not my job to make someone feel comfortable about their choices when their choices have nothing to do with me. And I'll say that while 95% of everybody I know truly don't care what I do or do not partake in, the 5% who've been bothered are people I have absolutely no desire to be around. It's not my job to make them feel okay about who they are or what they're doing. It's up to them to figure out what their issues are.
So there's that! Four years! We did it! Guys, what will FIVE YEARS (HALF A DECADE!!!) bring? A present? From myself to myself? Absolutely. Because if there's one thing I know for sure in this world, it's that I will go shopping for absolutely any reason.
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[SSEX BBOX] told Pink News in a statement that it began the campaign in order to create "the biggest kiss in the world" to speak out "against the silencing of the LGBTQIA population in Russia."
A post shared by A Thânya TULmuto (@thanyatulmuto) on
"In Brazil, despite the enormous violence against the LGBTQIA population, we can fight for our rights," [SSEX BBOX] told Pink News. "But our community in Russia can not and therefore needs our help."
"In Russia, LGBTQIAs are being shut up by the Putin government," the statement continued. "The LGBTQIA Parade has been banned by law for 100 years! And freedom of expression is increasingly restricted. Therefore, we will make the biggest digital kiss in the world at the place where public protests of LGBTQIA get people throw in jail: the Moscow Kremlin."
Over the past week, hundreds of couples have been posting photos on Instagram with the location tagged at the Kremlin in Moscow.
Reports first surfaced in April that over 100 gay men in Chechnya had been detained and tortured in prisons, facing electric shocking and violent beatings. Pink News reports that at least four people have died in the alleged crackdowns.
Jacob Peters woke up at 2:30 a.m. and hiked through the woods to photograph a couple's proposal. But it turns out he got the wrong couple.
The guy who was proposing contacted Peters to shoot the engagement at Whitaker's Point, a crag in the Arkansas Ozark Forest, according to Mashable. Peters took the long trek at dawn, with 30 pounds of camera equipment in tow. Shortly after he had set up the equipment, the couple arrived. Well... a couple arrived.
He photographed their romantic moment. Then, he went home and texted the real couple something along the lines of, "Congratulations, the photos are beautiful." The client responded with, "I'm confused, we never saw you and we got there a little late, are you sure it was us? I was in a blue plaid shirt…"
They had actually been an hour late — and the pictures were of a guy in a blue sweater, not a blue plaid shirt. Peters didn't end up charging the client.
About two days later, he found the lucky couple who unwittingly received his services — and whose photographer had backed out the night before. (How perfect is that?!) "Hi Jacob! I can't believe what I'm seeing! My fiancée is going nuts seeing this. She even got goose bumps over this," wrote David Le on Facebook. Peters sent them the photos.
"So basically I spent six-and-a-half hours, $40 in gas and food, 450 photos, and took the wrong couple's photos," Peters wrote in a Facebook post, which you can see in its entirety below.
Oops.
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It's been 20 years since Katrina and the Waves won the Eurovision Song Contest for the UK with "Love Shine a Light." Since then, only three UK entrants have managed to finish inside the top ten - and no fewer than six have ended up in the bottom three. In short: our Eurovision form is pretty terrible.
Factor in the presumed impact of Brexit - people in Europe must like us even less now, right? - and you'd be forgiven for thinking our Eurovision hopes are over. Even Theresa May seems to be feeling rather pessimistic about the whole thing.
However, some bookmakers now have the UK's entry, "Never Give Up on You" by former X Factor contestant and West End regular Lucie Jones, as fifth favourite to win the contest. Odds on the stately ballad triumphing tonight are as short as 25/1.
Word from Ukraine's capital city, Kiev, where this year's contest is taking place, is that Jones' performance in this week's dress rehearsal was actually very promising. She apparently sings the song brilliantly, and her performance's mirror-based staging is said to be seriously impressive. "She looks like a beautiful mermaid oozing pain in a giant seashell, as if she’s recreating Botticelli's Birth of Venus," Eurovision blogger William Lee Adams told The Guardian.
What's more, Jones says she isn't fazed by the potential impact of Brexit. “Every single year there is talk of the political vote and why the UK doesn’t get votes. This year won’t be any different. Obviously there is a different slant to it because of Brexit but I'm not worried about that," she told the Daily Record.
"The song has a beautiful message and it’s not an event about Brexit. We are going to go and perform the song the best we can and meet people all over the world who are like-minded."
Her comments are spot-on. Whether you rate Eurovision's music or not, this is an event with tremendous potential to promote a message of global inclusivity and diversity: a trans woman won the contest in 1998, a bearded drag queen triumphed in 2013. So let's keep our fingers crossed that Lucie Jones' performance gets the points it deserves in Kiev tonight.
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People should have the right to delete all social media posts they made before turning 18, Theresa May has said.
Under the Prime Minister's proposed "right to innocence" measure, social media platforms such as Facebook and Instagram would have to wipe a person's pre-adulthood posting history if that person requested it.
May also said her Conservative Party election manifesto will include plans forcing social media platforms to do more to prevent inappropriate content from reaching young people.
"The internet has brought a wealth of opportunity, but also significant new risks which have evolved faster than society's response to them," the Prime Minister said in a press release. "We want social media companies to do more to help redress the balance and will take action to make sure they do."
She added: "These measures will help make Britain the best place in the world to start and run a digital business, and the safest place in the world for people to be online."
Both the Labour Party and the Liberal Democrats have criticised May's proposals. "Government and technology companies must do more to find a real solution to problematic content online but having a government agency deciding what constitutes acceptable free speech isn't it," Alistair Carmichael of the Liberal Democrats told the BBC.
"We need to be working with technology companies to address the problem of hate speech, not pretending it's an easy problem that can be solved with a press release."
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It has been a long, long time, but we’ve finally been blessed with new episodes of Netflix’s beloved Aziz Ansari comedy, Master Of None. In fact, it’s been so long, you probably need a refresher course in season 1 of the format-testing sitcom. Dev’s premiere season journey followed the noncommittal wanna-be New York actor through his doomed relationship with a woman named Rachel (Noel Wells), whose first sexual encounter together ended with a trip to get the morning after pill. Although the couple started out as a simple one night stand, they eventually end up spending about two years together before breaking up over general life ambivalence.
Both halves of the duo bring up a good point: Is dating someone when you’re in your early thirties a good enough reason to spend your entire life with them? Both decide the answer to that question is a resounding no, and break up. Rachel responds to the split by dying her hair red and moving to Japan, while Dev (Ansari) packs his bags and heads to Italy to learn pasta making. After the actor is totally cut out of his blockbuster film, this makes a lot of sense.
Master Of None ’s sophomore year picks up that thread, with Dev still in Italy. That’s not a spoiler, since the perfect teaser trailer told fans as much and Ansari made a glorious fan music video for Kanye West’s “Famous” his big bud-slash-co-star Eric Wareheim in the country. Season 2 continues Master ’s best quality: Its laser-focused themed episodes. This trend gives each instalment a short-film quality you can’t get from other comedies. Where season 1 gave fans mediations on Hollywood’s inherent racism and the sexism all around us, season 2 offers an all black-and-white episode and one all about growing up in a religious household, but not actually being a religious adult.
So, without further ado, let’s dive on into this big old pasta bowl of comedy.
Episode 1 — ”The Thief”
Dev has been living in Italy for three months and we’re really digging the cinema Italiano vibes. The entire episode is shot in black and white, because what’s more old school than that? In fact, Master Of None is leaning so hard into Dev’s new locale, at least half, if not more, of the episode is in Italian. It’s done so seamlessly, I’m only now noticing how many subtitles I read during “The Thief.” However, I don’t mind because I’m going to Italy next week and haven’t done a bit of studying. This is my Duolingo.
Our first look at Dev shows he’s literally surrounded himself in culture. One bedside stool has a tower of what looks like Italian cookbooks. The other bedside table is packed with Italian classic films like L'Avventura and La Notte, along with Bicycle Thieves, which will make even more sense later. After some alarm clock trouble, we get the feeling Dev has totally acclimatised to his surroundings. He speaks confident Italian despite not preparing for his trip at all, greets random people on the street by name, and knows cafe is a fine espresso in Italy. The former Gogurt commercial star even has a job making pasta for a nice old lady. Dev’s only real problem is his ex Rachel has emailed him for his birthday and he doesn’t know how to feel about that.
To keep Dev busy from worrying about old romantic woes, we’re introduced to his boss’s beautiful granddaughter Francesca (Alessandra Mastronardi) — she has love interest written all over her. Unfortunately, Francesca has a boyfriend whom she been dating for 10 years and “loves.” Sad face. Dev doesn’t get to be too bummed since he has a meet cute with yet another attractive young woman named Sara (Clare-Hope Ashitey), whose flawless British accent would make Naomi Campbell jealous. Dev ends up eating with Sara after he accidentally plans a “depressing” solo birthday lunch for himself, and his eventual Brit companion is told she doesn’t have a reservation (she booked it for the wrong day). Dev saves Sara from her mishap by offering her a seat at his own very lonely table.
From there, the pair enjoy flirty banter, take in the sites, snack on gelato, and dine again at a wine bar. Dev even takes a very Instagrammable photo of Sara in front of some unknown building. It’s all very Under The Tuscan Sun. Things go so well, Sara invites Dev on a weekend getaway with her friends, where they can “make out.” Guys, our little Dev could be in love (in a few months to two years, considering his his commitment issues)!
Yet, Dev’s romantic hopes are dashed the minute Sara gets in her cab to the train, as a literal bicycle-riding thief steals his phone, taking Sara’s phone number with him. The pasta apprentice and his adorable young friend Mario give chase, but the ladro gets away. Dev and Mario search the city for the phone thief and actually managed to find him. I guess this town really is that small. In a funny gag, Dev accidentally ends up stealing the phone of another man while trying to recover his own device. Once that’s fixed, police arrive to ask the thief if he stole Dev’s phone and search his home. Of course, both the young criminal and his overprotective mother deny any wrongdoing. When an officer can’t find Dev’s phone anywhere, the mother throws everyone but the cop out of her house.
Dev’s dream of making out with Sara is officially gone, as are Mario’s ridiculously cute photos with his soccer idol from earlier in the episode. In a last ditch effort to locate Sara, he does what we would all do, and uses what little information he has about Sara to find her. Unsurprisingly, “Sara finance New York” and “Sara Diane Lane fan” do not unearth the desired results.
Dev mourns his loss by finally starting an email response to Rachel. Whether he sends it or not has yet to be seen. But, either way, at least there’s always Francesca to pine for.
What should have Dev mastered? The art of writing down a phone number.
What did Dev actually master?: Taking profile pic-worthy photos of people.
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix.
Episode 2 — ”Le Nozze”
Master Of None friends, I would like to be very honest with you. I find nothing more heartwarming than when two male friends of ridiculously mismatched heights hug. When any of my IRL guy friends do this, I take a photo and never delete it. So, I naturally loved the beginning of this episode and, really, anything involving Dev’s friendship with Arnold (Eric Wareheim). “Le Nozze” opens with Dev being told there’s a beautiful woman waiting for him at the bottom floor of his apartment. Sadly for lovelorn Dev — and happily for me — it’s not Sara, but Arnold. The pasta chef immediately jumps into his best friend's arms and they spin around with joy.
From here, Dev goes on a remarkably similar friend date throughout Italy with Arnold, as he did with Sara. The only major difference is the Lil Bud-Big Bud duo head to a sprawling Italian market place that I would like to visit right this moment. Even the strawberries look life-changing in this place. While I wish I could just watch Dev and Arnold eat free samples all day, the conversation eventually segues into A Discussion About Rachel. Yes, Dev did eventually answer her email and yes, they’ve been texting for a week. But it’s pretty obvious the carb apprentice doesn’t actually miss his relationship with Rachel, he misses having a relationship period. “It was fun to flirt and joke around with someone — I got no girls here,” Dev tells Arnold when asked if he wants to get back with his ex.
Someone should videotape this conversation and send it to Rachel, so she knows Dev isn’t quite that serious about her. Instead, the lil bud sends a “Hi, cutie” clip to his former girlfriend, which shows him him waving and kissing a gorgeous sandwich. Arnold thinks the endearing videos are catnip to women and he’s not exactly wrong. Who isn’t trying to date a guy who loves food and travelling? Although a lot of “Le Nozze” deals with Dev’s secret texting of Rachel — he steps away from his friend every time he contacts his ex — Arnold is the real heart of the episode.
At first, the gentle giant is singing the praises of no strings attached dating. “I’m not trying to get serious with anyone right now really. I’m just playing the field, trying to get to know new people. Going on adventures,” he swears to Dev before heading to a mysterious wedding in Italy. But, we all know there are going to be way more feels to an episode whose title translates to “The Wedding.” During one of Dev’s sneaky trips to text Rachel, we catch Arnold looking at an invite for the nuptials in question and then through his iPhone photo album, which is filled old coupley snaps. Both sets of images feature the exact same young woman. Aw, poor Arnold is heartbroken and the bride-to-be is the source of all the emotions.
As Dev and Arnold approach le nozze, Arnold starts getting visibly uncomfortable. Big Bud attempts to blame his increasing anxiety on the tiny streets of Italian towns, but we all know that’s only half of the problem. Still, Arnold is proven right about his driving stress when the pair’s rental car gets stuck in an alley, despite Dev claiming claiming everything was “good” on his side. You can practically hear a narrator somewhere admitting, “Things were not good on Dev’s side.”
Dev eventually shimmies out of the car’s sunroof and urges Arnold to do the same. Of course, he ends up stuck. So now Arnold is stuck in the sunroof of a stuck car. This kind of physical vulnerability leads to some emotional vulnerability from Arnold. He explains the wedding they’re headed to is actually his ex-girlfriend Ellen’s, whom he dated for 11 eleven years and lived with. They broke up when the relationship turned into more of a roommate situation and now Ellen is ready to commit her life to some other man. In another moment of honesty fair Master viewer, I found this ridiculous because due to friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend situation, I watched the final 2016 presidential debate with the actress who plays Ellen (Ciara Renée). She’s 26 and absolutely wonderful and talented, but in no reality could she have dated Arnold, played by a 41-year-old man, when he was in college.
But, I digress, because the wedding gives us tons of good comedy. Upon arrival, our BFF heroes realise Ellen is marrying a man who looks like a smaller version of Arnold. “He’s stealing Arnie’s essence,” Arnold yells. He is in no way incorrect. Arnold decides to deal with this shocking discovery by asking Ellen to run away with him and she promptly declines. Since this is all too much for Arnold, he and Dev head out to find delicious unpasteurised pecorino cheese and ride on scooters through the countryside. If that doesn’t prove Dev and Arnold are the real love story of Master Of None, I’m not sure what will.
During all of this bro time, Dev explains to Arnold he’s coming at his feelings for Ellen from a place of fear instead of a place of real love. “I don’t think you’re ready to settle down. Have fun being single. You’ll meet someone. I hope,” Dev tells his friend. He may or may not be talking about his texting relationship with Rachel too. After this little pep talk, Arnold is a new man and ready to head back to the wedding. The bride’s ex gives a surprisingly wise toast to Ellen while dissing her husband. Arnold has the time of his life at the reception, while Dev sits in a corner texting Rachel about ending their secretive text conversations, which is for the best. Then everyone jumps in the pool because swimming in Italy is their favourite thing.
After all of these deep chats, Dev decides to head back home to New York. He has emotional goodbyes with his old lady employer, Mario, and Francesca. (But don’t cry for the Devcesca ‘ship, since I doubt this is the last we’ve seen of Francesca.) As Dev arrives back in NYC, his agent offers him a hosting gig for a new cooking competition show. Is everyone ready for Clash Of The Cupcakes, because I very seriously am.
What should have Dev mastered? Knowing when a car is actually good on one side.
What did Dev actually master?: How To Be Alton Brown, But With Cupcakes.
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix.
Episode 3 — “Religion”
In the same way that season 1’s “Parents” was for all those first-generation American kids out there, “Religion” is for all of those millennials who were raised in a religious household only to grow up and realise religion… might not be for them. I am one of those millennials, so this episode hit me hard and I thought about my own parents for a full 20 minutes. As Dev was raised Muslim in an Indian home, I was raised Roman Catholic in a Latino home. Unlike Dev, I decided to announce Catholicism wasn’t for me in high school. It took our master of none about 20 more years to come around to speaking to his parents frankly about where he stands on religion. I’m glad he waited, since Dev’s journey is fantastic watch.
We open the episode with a young Dev trying bacon for the first time at a white friend’s house. The mother is absolutely shocked to hear Dev has never eaten crispy bacon before, but that’s because it’s the 1980s and I doubt she’s read the Quran, which prohibits eating swine flesh. Swine flesh is also the least appetising way to say pork, but the best name for a metal band. It seems Dev’s mum Nisha (Ansari’s real mom Fatima Ansari) has the psychic ability to know when her son is angering God, since she calls at the exact moment the boy’s brain explodes from bacon-flavoured goodness to remind him such joy is against their religion.
Fast-forward to the present, and Dev’s father Ramesh (Ansari’s real-life dad Shoukath Ansari) is begging his son to keep up religious pretences in front of his aunt and uncle during dinner. It is the most relatable extended family moment in the world. Dev swears he’s fasting out of respect for Ramadan and will go to the mosque to say the Eid prayer with his entire family. Considering the fact we haven’t seen Dev pray once over 13 episodes, this does not seem likely.
At least the sometimes-actor’s friend Tanvi (Lakshmi Sundaram) puts things in perspective for Dev. She explains Dev needs to simply compromise with his parents on what actually matters to them. Tanvi gives a shining example from her own wedding, where she agreed to have a four-hour ceremony and a Hindu priest. However, the young woman went all in for herself at the reception with hours upon hours of explicit rap songs. Tanvi and her husband even made their debut as a Mr. and Mrs. to “Fuck That Shit” by Three 6 Mafia. Hey, it’s their song!
Despite Tanvi’s pleas to meet traditional parents halfway, Dev chooses to get his cousin Navid (Harris Gani) to enjoy all the wonders of pork. Navid tries a bite of Dev’s Cubano sandwich during Ramadan one day — when they should be fasting — and he’s immediately hooked. Soon enough, the younger man is trying to lure Dev away from Eid prayer to go to Hog Wild Weekend at Smorgasburg. In a nice callback to season 1, “Nashville” set piece Ticklers will be at the pork-drenched BBQ event, so no one really has to twist Dev’s arm into into going.
The cousins eat as much blasphemous barbecue meat as possible and then some, but end up hiding in the bushes the moment they incorrectly believe they’ve spotted Navid’s dad. Thankfully, Denise (Lena Waithe) ends up being with Dev and Navid at this exact moment and reminds them they’re “grown ass men” who shouldn’t be pulling a Sean Spicer to avoid telling their families their beliefs. Dev takes this advice to heart and announces he’s not religious and loves pork during Eid dinner in front of Navid’s very pious parents. Dinner is ruined. I agree with Dev’s sentiment and hate how he went about making his point. By picking that exact moment to Live His Truth, Dev embarrasses his parents in front of their family. That’s basically the worst thing you can do. Couldn’t he have given them a little notice of his earth-shattering comments?
After two weeks of silent treatment, Dev’s dad Ramesh visits his son to explain the problem. When Dev so publicly renounces his family’s religion, Nisha feels like she failed her boy. As a way of making amends, Dev actually reads the Quran his parents gave him when he went to college. He uses this effort to text his mum the shadiest possible passage about not forcing other people to follow your religion. Nisha is just happy Dev is reading the holy text in the first place.
The episode ends with a look at Ramesh and Nisha praying at their mosque, while Dev spends time with friends like Denise, Tanvi, and Eric. Following Ansari’s Saturday Night Live monologue request, the music playing during Muslim prayer is the least menacing song in history: 1970s soft rock song “I Must Be In A Good Place Now” by Bobby Charles. The scenes remind us of the many ways people find community and the fact neither option is better than another. Hopefully we’ll get more images of mosques like this, and fewer that stoke the flames of xenophobia.
Before I end this recap, I was to celebrate the wonder that is Ramesh. He is giving Jane The Virgin ’s Rogelio De La Vega a run for his money when it comes to the Most Scene Stealing Dad Award. At the star of “Religion” he repeatedly tells Navid he needs to model and does prospective poses for the young man to drive home the point. While I’m sure someone wrote Ramesh’s lines, I refuse to believe anyone other than Shoukath Ansari himself came up with his Vogue -meets-the Hokey-Pokey poses.
The hilarity of Ramesh continues throughout the entire episode, as he repeatedly lobbies to go to a seafood restaurant instead of a Thai restaurant. Even after the blowout over Dev’s poorly-timed pork announcement, Ramesh still blames all of the family’s problems on the fact they didn’t go eat mahi-mahi. I don’t even like seafood and I will be forever available to eat seared fish with Shoukath Ansari. We can get as many mahis as he wants.
What should have Dev mastered?: The ability to know when it’s The Wrong Time, dude.
What did Dev actually master?: How to turn the brightness down on his dad’s iPad.
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix.
Episode 4 — “First Date”
Word to the wise, women of New York City, do not date Dev. He will take you on the same first date he’s taken about 10 other women. “First Date” plays an unexpected trick on viewers by essentially giving us a choose your own adventure date. Do you want to see what happens when Dev goes out with a cocaine aficionado? Taken care of. What about a woman obsessed with all types of extreme fighting, but also ramen? It’s got that too. Dev even meets a few women he’s compatible with to remind us he’s not going to die alone, suffocated in pasta.
The episode opens with a montage of multiple women swiping through Master Of None ’s version of Tinder, Love@FirstSight. Like the rest of us, all of these prospective love interests are searching through the dating app in the least romantic of places, from literal funerals to the toilet. In a stunning moment of realism, every woman doesn’t swipe right on Dev, though many do. Think about how differently this would go if this were an Adam Sandler project, where we all know the entire Victoria’s Secret Angels crew would fight to the death to be with the guy from Pixels.
Dev meets the ladies whom he does match with to the exact same wine bar to sit at the exact same bar chairs to then sit at the exact same table. Hopefully this is all for effect, because this plan is literally Jonah Ryan From Veep levels of sociopathy otherwise (the congressman and his team hatch the exact same plan to find him a suitable girlfriend in season 6). First we meet Christine (Lauren Miller Rogen) who works at the perfectly named dog hotel Chateau Marmutt. She’s instantly a keeper. Next up is Diana (Condola Rashad), who was actually the real star of season 1’s “Ladies And Gentleman.” Remember the opener of the sexism episode, where None showed the very different ways men and women walk home at night? Diana was the woman running away from a taco-obsessed “nice guy” creep whom you very seriously related to. She was also Dev’s friendly commercial co-star. Well, Diana is back and ready to date. She, however, is not here for a “possible boning situation,” because that’s the worst phrase and its acronym is PBS.
To remind us all first dates aren’t perfect, we then meet Valerie (Mary Elizabeth Kelly), a “funemployed” young woman who’s living off of her parents money. She’s also dealing with a “super-rich” French guy named Hubert who “does nice stuff for [her] ‘cause he thinks [she’s] gonna fuck him.” If that’s what makes Valerie happy, more power to her. But she’s clearly not what Dev is looking for in a partner. However, ambitious lawyer Priya (Tiya Sircar) might be exactly what the Clash Of The Cupcakes host is searching for.
Dev is able to talk to Priya about his experiences as an Indian-American in ways he can’t do with many of his other matches. Their banter is pitch perfect and they really seem to get each other. Even when Priya is staring at her phone, I’m rooting for things to work out with Dev. I now realise it’s entirely possible I feel this way because the actress who portrays Priya is The Real Eleanor on The Good Place, and I miss The Good Place. Whatever my personal motivations are, it’s cute to see Priya buy a nice bottle of wine for the date to make up for her 15-minute work phone call.
As we skip through dates, others aren’t going so well. One woman taps her nose in the traditional “I need to go do cocaine in the bathroom” hand gesture. She returns talking mile-a-minute and asking about Dev’s siblings. A woman named Stephanie (Aparna Nancherla) takes wrestling at its most literal and doesn’t laugh at Dev’s passable “Samosa Joe” pun. A blink-and-you’ll-miss-her woman yells at a waitress about water. We can all see she’s terrible.
In phase 2 of Dev’s weirdly similar dates, he takes a few ladies to a rooftop bar with a magical view of the Manhattan skyline. One of his perspectives girlfriends explains she once gave a bartender a handjob during another date. Again, do you, girl, but that’s not exactly what Dev is looking for. Another woman literally starts swiping in the middle of a conversation. Yet, one of the genuinely sweetest moment of “First Date” arrives at the Dev-Diana segment, when a stranger recognides Dev from Cupcakes. The guy explains his friend recently went through chemotherapy and they would watch the food competition show together to get them “through” the tough times. The stranger is also the son of Scatman John, the man who brought the world "Scatman (Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bop)" in 1995.
Although Dev and Diane clearly had the best time, the actress rebuffs Dev’s advances when he tries to kiss her in the cab ride home. Priya doesn’t, but refuses to go to Dev’s apartment for “a drink” since she just met him. Christine of Chateau Marmutt invites Dev to her own place and the two hook up. When Dev goes to get a condom, he realises they’re in the world’s most racist cookie jar, which is designed like an offensive mammy trope. Still, Dev has sex with Christine. He waits until after finishing hooking up to tell the pooch hotelier her condom decor is racist. Although Christine gets inappropriately defensive about her terrible jar, she does make a good point, telling Dev, “You think I’m racist now, but you still had sex with me?” Poor form, dude.
After getting thrown out of Christine’s apartment, Dev ends up at home, back to swiping through Love@FirstSight once again. Hopefully his infamous pickup line — ”Going to Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?” — works better next time.
Before we wrap this episode up, let’s take moment to appreciate Dev’s dates’ honest descriptions of what it’s like to be a woman on dating apps. Everyone explains the disturbing “fetish-y” messages they get along with all the unsolicited penis portraits. Compared to all of that trash, I can’t even drag Dev’s “Whole Foods” line.
What should have Dev mastered?: The ability to tell a woman you think she’s racist before having sex with her.
What did Dev actually master?: Insulting a woman moments after having sex with her.
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix.
Episode 5 — “The Dinner Party”
Remember when I said Francesca had love interest written all over her? This is the episode that proves she and Dev might just be meant to be (or at least as meant to be as someone with Dev’s serious commitment issues can be). We enter “The Dinner Party” as far from Francesca as possible at the Clash Of The Cupcake set. The Jabbawockeez are judging today’s episode and they are shockingly difficult to work with. As much as everyone loves America’s Best Dance Crew, this introduction is a little bit of a head scratcher since no one needs to spend nearly eight minutes watching Cupcake filming drama — this episode actually ends up being all about romance.
At least Brian (Kelvin Yu) and Arnold’s shockingly intense Jabbawockeez fandom gives viewers the hilarious scene of the pair and their idols bowing to each other in a never-ending loop. After that possibly unnecessary diversion, we get to the meat of the story. Francesca is in New York because her roadblock of a boyfriend has to do A Tile Thing No One Cares About. She and Dev have an easy chemistry with each other, which is much more palpable than 98 percent of the “First Date” dates. If I wasn’t already a fan of Francesca before, her explanation of the vagina exhibit sells me. “It’s kind of like saying that all these women across history have been discriminated against just because they have vaginas,” she explains. She also tells Dev his groan-worthy pillow text is groan-worthy. Insert all the intense Shia LaBeouf clapping gifs here.
After this wonderful day not-date, Dev goes an actual date with Priya from “First Dates.” Their lack of chemistry is physically uncomfortable for me. I was this-close to muting their scenes together, which were almost entirely about the state, temperature, and availability of water in restaurants. The weather would have served as a more scintillating conversation topic. This wasn’t the only cringey part of the date, as Dev accidentally tells Priya, “Alright, don’t ask for a bite of mine!” far more aggressively than he means when the lawyer reveals she wants to get separate dishes. When the pair head their different ways after their car wreck of a date, Dev sighs to himself, “Fuck. That wasn’t fun at all”
The complete implosion of this evening couldn’t be sadder, since Dev was genuinely excited about it. He called Arnold to plan the entire event, and the juxtaposition between the expectations and the uneasy reality are a huge disappointment. At least Dev has a swanky dinner party at Master Of None ’s apparent answer to Anthony Bourdain, celebrity chef Jeff Pastore (Bobby Cannavale), to look forward to. The problem is, Dev doesn’t want to take Priya as his date for such a fun evening, since their last hangout session was the equivalent of lukewarm flat water without too much ice. So, who else could Dev ever take to Chef Jeff’s house? Oh. Yeah. It’s Francesca.
Dev and Francesca head to Chef Jeff’s expansive home, where they’re immediately met by Ravi (Ravi Patel) who’s there by way of his chickpea business with the hunky Anush (Gerrard Lobo). Ravi shows up in a full tux and everyone thinks he’s the valet. To fix this problem, he rips off his shirt and jacket and stuffs them underneath the sink. Why not put them in the coat closet? We’ll never know, but this whole thing is the best. Although Ravi and his Hanes t-shirt are clearly scrambling throughout the entire dining experience, Dev and his date couldn’t be having a better time together.
The totally not-a-couple enjoy a surprise dinner party performance from Oscar winner John Legend. They smoke out of Dev’s vape on Chef Jeff’s impossibly beautiful rooftop while questioning the true meaning of yoga, going over Italian profanity, and sharing meaningful glances while gushing about how much they miss each other. Downstairs, Francesca calls out Dev’s poor taste in white “feet” wine. Jeff rightly picks up on the vibes between the “friends,” and wrongly assumes Francesca is Dev’s girlfriend. When the expert foodie finds out he’s wrong, he gives Dev the most important advice of possibly all of Master Of None.
“You better grab a mitt because you’re going to catch some feelings,” Jeff warns Dev, like a psychic. Everyone, please prepare to repeatedly text this to your most romantically in denial friend. The cab drive away from the chef’s party proves just how right Jeff is. It’s reminiscent of the “Dates” car rides from the last episode, but now we’re seeing people who are totally comfortable with each other. When Dev tells the driver his date’s hotel is right around the corner, Francesca looks seriously sad as her magical evening is coming to a close and she realises she won’t be able to see Dev again before her flight back home. Their goodbye hug couldn’t feel more star-crossed.
If you couldn’t tell Dev was all in his feelings the moment Francesca walks out of his cab, the camera holds on the lovelorn guy for a full three minutes after his favourite lady leaves the car. “Say Hello, Wave Goodbye” by Soft Cell plays as Dev does everything he can do not to deal with his emotions. Francesca makes that especially difficult since she texts him the exact groan-worthy text she was making fun of him for writing earlier in the episode. “Thanks for a lovely evening. I’m jealous of the lucky pillow that gets to hold your face tonight,” it reads. Dev practically throws his phone out of a moving car because he’s officially in love with a girl he can’t have.
Better start breaking in that mitt, Dev.
P.S. I feel personally attacked Chrissy Teigen wasn’t with John at the dinner party. I demand someone fix this immediately. This is a pasta show and Chrissy Teigen loves pasta even more than John.
What should have Dev mastered?: The ability to know what foot wine tastes like.
What did Dev actually master?: The ability to catch feelings like a Yankees shortstop catches line drives.
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix.
Episode 6 — “New York, I Love You”
If you didn’t already agree with my colleague Elena Nicolaou, who very rightly wants to live in Master Of None ’s New York, this episode will change your mind. “New York, I Love You” ditches all of Dev’s romantic, career, and food woes in favour of an entirely new cast of characters, who are as New York as you can get. In fact, we only see Dev, Arnold, and Dennis at the very beginning and end of the episode.
In our first few moments with the traditional Master crew, the aforementioned trio is talking about the big new blockbuster sweeping America, Death Castle. After Arnold ruins everyone’s “narrative immersion” by confirming there is a twist in the movie, the camera drifts to luxury high rise doorman’s story. We immediately realise how many offensive things someone with a job like Eddie’s hears every day. In a matter of seconds, an older lady named Mrs. Atkinson (Elaine Kussack) tells Eddie (Frank Hart) she used to call her mechanic “Injun Larry,” thinks we need to stop saying Native American, and is convinced a Latino like Eddie is constantly eating mangoes. Guys, Eddie doesn’t even enjoy tropical fruit.
Mrs. Atkinson isn’t the only, um, coloorful character living in Eddie’s building. There’s Mr. Strickland (Joseph Adams) who’s bringing his mistress home with him while his wife is away, a woman named Florence (Suzanne Hevner) who’s attributed a lot of personality to her ill birds, and an endless stream of people who forcibly ignore the doorman greeting them day-in, day-out. Things come to head with Eddie’s irritating charges when he’s too busy feeding Flo’s birds to notify Mr. Strickland his wife is about to catch him in flagrante. Soon enough very expensive clothing is literally raining down from the building and screams can be heard emanating from the Strickland apartment. In a moment we can all cheer for, Eddie reminds Mr. Strickland he has more than the “one job” of making sure the rich man is free to commit as much adultery as possible.
We follow one of Eddie’s co-workers to a nearby bodega, where we drop in on our second story of “New York, I Love You.” After settling on one woman, Maya (Treshelle Edmond), the audio goes completely silent. I don’t know about everyone else, but I checked my sound about three times until Maya confirms she’s deaf. Every time I heard Harry Styles’s new album blaring into my headphones I knew it wasn’t my laptop. The decision to go totally silent for nearly 10 full minutes to properly tell Maya’s story is possibly Master ’s boldest and most laudable creative decision. But, there’s more to Maya’s story then the quiet. She has a very important discussion with her husband Barry, where she complains he hasn’t gone down on her in at least two months, while she performs oral sex all the time. “I need you to step up and lick my vagina,” she signs in the middle of Fish Eddys.
The signing brings us the funniest moment of the episode, when a woman storms over to the couple and demands via ASL they stop talking about Maya’s vagina. “My kids are with me and they know ASL,” she explains. Cut to the kids, who are running around the store making the vagina sign, which is an upside down triangle. “Vagina! Vagina! Vagina!,” reads the subtitles. While you can’t actually hear the children gleefully screaming, you know exactly what they sound like in your head.
After all the sex talk tension, Maya and Barry leave the store one pizza scarf richer and hopefully on the way to good sex for all. This is where we enter our third and last story, of cabbie Samuel (Enock Ntekereze), who has the twist ending of The Dark Castle ruined for him by two grain bowl-obsessed passengers. After totally losing his chance to be surprised that Nick Cage “was the black guy” the entire time and the castle is actually heaven, Samuel trudges home to the apartment he shares with three other immigrant men.
Samuel and his roommates Watson and Jameson attempt to go out to a hot club for a big night out, but the bouncer laughs them off the entrance line. One of them is wearing a punny graphic t-shirt made for eight-year-olds, and anyone who’s dealt with packed New York City nightlife can tell you that’s a no-no. A smarmy promoter directs the jilted guys to the club Envision, which they pay $20-a-head to enter. Unfortunately, there’s nothing other than “the Six Flags song” and $800 bottle service to be found inside of the empty club.
The men quickly peace out and find a group of women trying to get into a burger place where their fourth roommate, Junior, just so happens to work. Everyone ends up inside talking and it ends up being the exact night the quartet was hoping for. There’s even bottle service in the form of one woman’s flask and a fast food paper cup filled with ice. After everyone leaves the restaurant they’re still up for an adventure so they head out to see Death Castle like the rest of New York. Inside, we find Eddie, his wife, Maya, Barry, Denise, Arnold, and Dev all sitting in the same theatre, making the point that New York is so much smaller than you realise.
While we can’t see the movie screen, we do get to hear “Nic Cage” reveal the aforementioned twist ending, “There is no DeShawn Townsend. Only me, Troy Avery. Troy Avery is DeShawn Townsend.” I would put money down on the voice-over being from Andy Samberg and after checking the credits I am correct. Do I watch too much Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Don’t answer that, because that’s a question for another day. Right now, I’m just happy Dev and Samuel end the episode sitting right next to each other.
New York, I do love you and your crazy coincidences.
What should have Dev mastered?: Nothing, actually. This wasn’t his story.
What did Dev actually master?: Achieving complete narrative immersion, despite knowing a twist was coming.
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix.
Episode 7 — “Door #3”
Before I share my absolute frustration with Dev’s deep-seeded fear of commitment, I would like to say I would watch Grey’s Anatomy but with Ramesh “as The McDreamy” in a heartbeat. Someone call ABC immediately. It could go on for decades and decades like the original Grey’s surely will, and no one would complain. Not one person.
Okay, now to the actual business of “Door #3.” In this episode we get to spend tons of time with the aforementioned Ramesh and Bobby Cannavale’s Chef Jeff, so this is a perfect 24 minutes of television. In the cold open, producer Jeff tells Dev the fictional Food TV network is so pleased with Clash Of The Cupcakes they would like to offer its host a seven-season contract, meaning they would own his career for the foreseeable future. As anyone who’s walked in front of a Marvel camera in the last 10 years can tell you, the offer is a lot.
However, Dev should be excited about this opportunity. He’s been completely aimless since we first met him and now he’s being given a shot at the big time. We can all agree Clash won’t be the highlight of Dev’s career, but, as the very handsome Jeff points out, this is only the first rung in the ladder to success. Why jump off this quickly? If Dev has ever watched the Food Network, he would know starring in one show quickly becomes starring in two shows and before you know it, you’re an Iron Chef.
Keeping up my Jeff Is The Second Best Guest Star Here thread, the celebrity chef explains to Dev, “Look at our hosts. If our lineup were ingredients it would be flour, salt, and sugar — all white.” The actual best guest star here, Ramesh, says much of the same to his son, reminding Dev how lucky he is to be paid to do something a piece of paper could essentially handle. Then the Clash host follows his dad to his job at a hospital to “see his old man in action.” The experience doesn’t change much for Dev in terms of his career outlook, but I am very glad we get to see the collection of objects Ramesh has recovered from people’s stomachs.
When Dev returns to set to film more Clash, washed-up magician the Magnificent Kenny (Cedric The Entertainer) is there to judge the latest episode. The entertainer shows off for the crew, but has a depressingly low level of self-confidence in his green room. Things are so bad, a simple toy car illusion throws the sparkly fedora-wearing magician into a screaming rage. “I just need to just sit down and consider the grandest illusion of them all — me,” he tells Dev. Kenny didn’t even come up with the fabulous turn of phrase, his wife did during an argument years ago and has brought it back quite often lately. This magician needs a very serious hug.
Dev doesn’t give Kenny a literal hug, but does offer one of his greatest pep talks. He reminds the illusionist of the great tricks he performed backstage for the crew and the fact he only has to entertain the studio audience, television cameras be damned. Dev’s speech works wonders and Kenny marches onstage to perform a card trick with the host before revealing his final judgement. The first illusion goes off without a hitch. Then it’s time for Kenny to announce the winning cupcake, which he wants to do with one big trick.
Kenny puts one cupcake under a paper cup, the competing cupcake under a paper cup, and a truly sharp spike under a third cup. The magician shuffles the cups around and says he’s going to smash the losing cupcake. This is when I paused Master Of None and told my friends, “I think I’m about to see Cedric The Entertainer stab himself right in the hand.” I was 100 percent correct. Kenny’s trick fails miserably and ends up impaling his hand right. Clash ’s terrible producer Lawrence (Leonard Outz) doesn’t even notice the carnage since he’s napping.
After seeing all the blood spilled on the Clash set, Dev decides to officially tell Jeff he can’t accept the contract, but would like to take him up on an earlier conversation. Dev wanted to do a food travel show, but Jeff (who is always right) pointed out the showbiz newbie doesn’t have enough star power to carry such an expensive project solo. So, now Dev pitches doing the prospective show with Jeff and calling it BFF: Best Food Friends. This idea is nearly as great as Grey’s Anatomy starring Ramesh. Jeff couldn’t be more excited about this prospect and yells in Dev’s face about it a bunch. Although everything works out for Dev, his decision to turn down a contract would usually end with him being tossed out of Food TV, not with him getting the perfect gig.
The brand new BFF star’s parade gets rained on when he Skypes Francesca to tell her good news. Francesca has her own good news to share, exclaiming she’s officially engaged to her roadblock of boyfriend whose name doesn’t even matter. Raise your hand if you expect Francesca’s wedding to go off without a hitch. Bueller? Bueller?
By the way, it’s worth noting there’s an entire strong B-plot throughout “Door #3,” about Brian’s great dad Peter (Clem Cheung) who has become quite the player. He’s dating two women and doesn’t know which one to break up with. Peter likes Linda because she makes very good stew, but he also likes Ellen, a woman with a majestic dog named Coco. Peter finds it impossible break up with the stew or the dog, so he tells both women he’s seeing multiple people. “People my age often feel very alone, this makes them open up to situations that are not ideal in exchange for temporary companionship,” he explains to Brian and Arnold. While both Linda and Ellen pretend to be okay with their man’s noncommittal ways, they eventually break up with his low-key trifling behind. At least Peter ends the episode with his own dog named Coco, whom I’m not entirely sure he didn’t steal from Ellen.
What should have Dev mastered?: The ability to see how a less-than-ideal opportunity can turn into a dream job.
What did Dev actually master?: The art of the dangerously good pep talk.
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix.
Episode 8 — “Thanksgiving”
Welcome to the Master Of None holiday episode. Unlike every other show that does a Christmas instalment for some festive cheer, including fellow Netflix newbie Girlboss, the New York comedy gave us a look at Thanksgiving over 22 years in Denise’s home. The first thing we see in Dev’s oldest friend’s house is a picture of Jesus and a Watkins family portrait. Both images will weigh heavily on the coming half hour.
Denise’s mum is Angela Bassett and her aunt is Kym Whitley. I’m starting to think a Masters spin-off including only people’s parents would be a much better use of everyone’s time. Until we get Masters Of Everything, we’ll have to enjoy hanging out with Dev and Denise, because it’s a really beautiful time. “Thanksgiving” gives us a deep dive into Denise’s psyche. Even as a little girl, Denise’s walls were plastered with photos of A Different World ’s Jasmine Guy, Karyn Parsons (AKA Hilary from The Fresh Prince), and Jennifer Aniston in the same way other little girls were surrounded by pictures of their favourite boy banders.
When Catherine (Bassett) sets out a girly white dress for Denise to wear, she recognises this is “bullshit” and changes into something far more her style, backwards cap included. Since it’s 1995, the conversation drifts to the O.J. Simpson murder trial, Michael Jackson’s legal woes, and how much everyone hates Clarence Thomas. “Fuck his ass,” grandma Ernestine (Venida Evans) says. Fast forward to 1999 and Denise is ready to come out to Dev as “Lebanese,” since she’s still not prepared to identify as a lesbian by name. Young Denise’s explanation as to why she’s terrified to come out her mum is heartbreaking, since she compares herself to a tarnished trophy due to her sexuality. At least Dev is ready to be supportive no matter what and offers up some “dank week” to take the edge off of everything.
Hilariously, Catherine comes in to hang out with the kids after they pull out all the Teens Smoking At Home tricks like using a paper towel roll to blow out the window and spraying lemon air freshener everywhere. The hydration mask-rocking mum pretends their “spaced out” looks are totally normal, although Catherine — and everyone else — knows what Dev and Denise were up to. They’re not very good actors and Dev is incapable of saying anything other than the word, “Yeah.”
Again, it’s time for another time flash forward, this time to 2006. In a pre-Thanksgiving powwow, Denise and her mum have a bite to eat at a diner. The younger woman is ready to come out to Catherine but beats around the bush for a while, saying she doesn’t like having sex with men. Instead of picking up what her daughter is putting down, Catherine asks, “Have you tried it?” An incredulous Denise says no and admits she’s gay. Her mum reacts with tears, but not because she’s mad at her little girl, but because she’s worried for her safety and livelihood. “I don’t want life to be hard for you,” she chokes out between tears. “It’s hard enough being a black woman in this world, now you want to add something to it?” Denise rightly reminds her mum her sexuality isn’t a choice.
At least Catherine’s best friend Joyce (Whitley) throws a little bit of support Denise’s way. “Denise ain’t never been arrested, she in college, she keep a job and she respects her elders,” Joyce says. “Honey, if she wants to lay around with some women, baby, that is her business.” Everyone is forced to put their money where their mouth is for Thanksgiving 2015, when Denise brings a girlfriend home for the first time ever. Both Joyce and Catherine avoid hugging Denise’s partner Michelle (Ebony Obsidian) and instead go for what can best be described as super awkward handshakes. Dinner is uncomfortable, with Catherine and her BFF downing wine, sometimes straight out of the bottle. In a sad moment, Catherine tells Denise she was being “fresh” at the dinner table when she was actually being affectionate with her girlfriend.
The next year turns into a challenge for everyone when Denise invites her newest lady, Nikki (Erica Mena), to Thanksgiving dinner. It soon becomes evident to everyone that Nikki — who responds to a serious conversation about police brutality against people of colour with a story about a skateboarding dog — may not be the best match for Denise. Although I understand why Denise and Nikki didn’t work out, her persona as a walking, talking generalised Instagram “thot” felt pretty slut shaming for my tastes. But, bringing someone so out of the Watkins’s comfort zone to Thanksgiving 2016 may have been the best thing ever for Denise, because everyone is much more appreciate of the wonderful Michelle when she returns for 2017.
Denise and Michelle rekindled their relationship after Nikki leaves the picture. Now the pair have a couple’s therapist and seem truly comfortable with one another. Both Joyce and Denise’s grandmother are overjoyed to see her. Catherine is a little bit more reserved, but opens up once Michelle offers to help her prepare dinner in the kitchen. It’s a small but meaningful gesture that goes a long way. Catherine finally admits she “likes” Michelle. I, of course, cried. But we all know how easy that is.
The episode ends with the entire Watkins table discussing how Denise and Dev used to hide upstairs smoking pot at teens. “The whole house smelled like refer!” Grandma Ernestine remembers. If we ever do get a Master Of None parents spin-off I request an entire episode dedicated to Ernestine. She can shade someone with a single look, can’t hear a single thing, and probably has some very bizarre stories about that pimp she dated once.
What should have Dev mastered?: Denise’s secret chocolate milk ratio.
What did Dev actually master?: The exact right way to type out Nikki’s Instagram handle, NipplesAndToes23.
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix.
Episode 9 — “Amarsi Un Poco”
This episode title translates to “To Love A Little,” so who do you think has arrived for this super-sized episode? Francesca, but of course. Our favourite engaged Italian pasta maker is here to go on more romantic dates in 56 minutes than many of us can ever dream to experience in a lifetime. At the top of this short film, Dev and Chef Jeff pose for the promotional photos for BFFs. The only sad part here is Ramesh isn’t on set to coach them through the poses he pitched in “Religion.” Instead, the photographer forces Dev into a human-sized party sub. It’s extremely ridiculous and everyone knows it. In some good news for Jeff and Dev, they refuse the insane props before they’re swimming in a giant bowl of pasta, because, you know, there’s no impastas here.
As the BFFs wrap their shoot, Francesca appears right on time. Ever the sage, Jeff reminds Dev to protect his heart. Over the course of “Un Poco” he will do everything but that. From here, Dev and his crush go on a series of way too good not-dates. They find whimsy in pharmacies with a scene I now realise is shockingly long. They go for a tapas dinner that is very normal and not romantic at all if you ignore all the mood lighting. They even do a classic walk through Washington Square Park nearly holding hands.
Dev and Arnold eventually consult on all of these not-dates and decide Dev needs to come up with a game plan. He’s obviously falling hard for Francesca and no one can deny it any more. Still, Dev agrees to go to Francesca’s boyfriend’s birthday bash, despite planning to seem too “busy” to spend time with her. Big Bud and Little Bud stride into Pino’s party looking suave and Francesca seems so over her man. As Pino gushes over black galaxy tile with a business idol, the Italian pasta maker texts Dev shady messages about her own fiancé. Maybe these two shouldn’t get married, Dev or no Dev? Arnold recognises as much when Francesca sends Dev emojis of them dancing and there is no Pino in the picture.
Things get even more romantic for Dev and the object of his affection when they head to a museum in Upstate New York. The trip looks like the live action version of the photos you see every Instagram boyfriend tagged in. The pair lounge in perfectly red foliage, take pictures next to the humongous installations, and Dev gives his not-girlfriend a piggyback ride through the impossibly beautiful scenery. They even have an honest conversation about Francesca’s hopes and dreams. It seems pretty clear she and Pino never have these types of chats. The young woman explains she didn’t pursue art history because her mother died and she needed to help her nonna in the pasta shop and never considered leaving. Francesca’s dedication to her own status quo seemingly explains how she ended up staying with Pino for a decade and accepted his elevator proposal.
“That is what you do, right?” she asks Dev, not sounding so sure. “After ten years that you are with a person you just, you just get married? Right?” This kind of question is exactly what led to Dev and Rachel’s breakup in season 1 before they reached that kind of inevitability. Francesca's decision to stay engaged doesn't stop her from heading to Dev’s house for a cosy night in to watch L'Avventura and drink wine. Many would say that sounds like a date. A blizzard warning forces the hangout session even further into romance territory, as Francesca now has to stay in Dev's apartment. They attempt to sleep in separate rooms but are too wired to fall asleep. To burn off all their excess energy, the “friends” have a pyjama dance party, twist extremely close to each other, drink more red wine, and fall asleep in the same bed. While watching this, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that if Pino was doing all of this, anyone would say he was cheating on his fiancée.
During this sleepover, Francesca reveals she’s been with Pino her entire adult life and has therefore never seen another “pino” other than Pino’s. She also admits the couple has taken a break and assumes Pino slept with other women during that time. Although Francesca didn’t experiment with other men during the break, she now seems wistful over her missed opportunity, especially while looking at Dev. All of these close vibes change at a party Arnold is DJing, where Francesca couldn’t seem more distant. She refuses alcoholic and non-alcoholic beverages, dancing, and declares she’s leaving early. Finally, Dev confronts her about her unusual behaviour and the two have a barely-veiled conversation about their feelings for one another.
Francesca admits she wants Dev to be with someone more charming, funny, and “less taller.” Obviously she’s talking about herself and Dev admits he’s met someone fitting his friend’s qualifications — she’s just engaged. Francesca understands what he’s saying and admits this hypothetical situation is “tricky” for all parties involved. The young woman finally tells Pino how she’s feeling and the couple have a deeply uncomfortable, honest conversation. The tile expert repeatedly asks his fiancée why she no longer wants to leave New York and whether she loves someone else. Francesca denies the latter question, but her far-off look out the window tells us she’s kind of lying.
Finally, Dev and Francesca go on their last romantic not-date of “Un Poco,” which is a helicopter tour they planned at the beginning of the episode. During the trip, Dev finally comes out and admits he’s in love with Francesca even though she’s engaged. Please remember they're stuck in a helicopter, high above New York City — so if Francesca doesn't feel the same way, she's still trapped in the most awkward situation ever. After some cajoling, crisis is averted and Francesca admits she does feel the same way and would’ve kissed Dev back if he ever made a move on her. “I do feel something for you. I do like you,” she announces. “I probably love you. I think of you. I dream of you. When I’m with Pino I wish he could be you.” Still, Francesca insists things can’t change because she’s engaged. As though she cannot end the engagement.
To remind us this is actually a comedy, the pilot comes on over the intercoms and tells Dev and Francesca he can hear everything they’re saying, and, hey, do they want to switch over to their own private channel?
As the helicopter lands, it’s not a triumphant moment for the almost couple. Francesca begs Dev for some time to figure things out and leaves on her own. As is par for the course this season, Dev heads home alone once again. These two crazy kids only have one episode left to figure things out.
What should have Dev mastered?: Having enough sense to ask for a private helicopter channel before dropping “L” bombs.
What did Dev actually master?: The best way to tell a woman “I love you” without giving her a single escape route.
Photo: Courtesy of Netflix.
Episode 10 — “Buona Notte”
Dear Chef Jeff, to quote the great Kelly Kapoor, “First of all, how dare you?” Over the first nine episodes of Master season 2, the celebrity chef became one of my favourite new additions to the cast, in no small part due to Bobby Cannavale’s intense charm offensive. Then, “Buona Notte” comes and we find out Jeff has been sexually harassing his fellow Food TV employees for longer than we could ever know.
The tide starts turning against Jeff with the welcome return of Benjamin (H. Jon Benjamin), who is now doing theatre after meeting Dev in season 1’s blockbuster disaster movie, The Sickening. The thespian tells Dev that Jeff has a reputation for being a “little bit of a creep.” A married friend of Benjamin’s wife says Jeff hit on her and offered her “one legendary night at casa de Jeff.” Dev hears this news right after learning his former Food TV makeup artist Lisa (Ilfenesh Hadera) left BFFs in a rush under mysterious circumstances. When Dev seems genuinely interested in her story, Lisa reveals how Jeff’s sexual aggression escalated over time. First he made inappropriate comments about her body, then he began slipping her his room key during filming trips, and finally ended one night banging on her hotel room door for about 10 minutes.
The Food TV higher ups did nothing more than “talk” to their volatile star. Although Lisa claims she doesn’t want to go public with her harassment, she eventually tells the entire world about Jeff’s scary behaviour with a blog post. The story begins trending on Twitter just before Dev and Jeff are about to appear on fictional daytime talk show Raven Live with Raven-Symoné. Half way through the BFFs stars’ segment, Raven confronts Jeff with the allegations. He neither confirms nor denies Lisa’s account, and tries to convince Raven to ignore the issues at hand so she can eat some delicious paella. The chef’s pitch does not work and Jeff ends up running off set.
When Raven turns to Dev to condemn his so-called “BFF’s” alleged actions, he majorly botches his statement, accidentally saying he “100 percent condones that behaviour.” Shocked gasps shoot through the crowd and Dev attempts to backtrack his comments, swearing he “respects women” and “doesn’t know anything about this.” Raven reminds her guest the BFFs promotional poster says its stars do “everything” together, heavily insinuating Dev was aware of Jeff’s harassment. Since there’s no way out of this PR nightmare, Dev literally follows in the footsteps of his co-star and rushes off set.
Backstage, Jeff claims all the allegations against him are lies and the 14 women and counting who are speaking out against him just want money or their 15 minutes of fame. I’ll say it again, first of all, how dare you, Jeff?
All of this work anxiety feeds into season 2’s final chapter about Dev and Francesca’s will they or won’t they romance. At the start of “Notte,” Francesca shows up on Dev’s doorstep to tell him she feels horrible about her emotional affair and wishes Pino would just cheat on her so she could leave him without a guilty conscience. Then, Dev and Francesca set up a faux meet cute to prove they could’ve fallen for each other if they had met at a time when they were both single, which turns into a slow dance to “Un Anno D’Amore” by Mina Anna Mazzini.
This exercise creates the weirdest moment of season 2 that’s not a fantasy, when Dev and Francesca make out with a pane of glass between them. As I said about the last episode, if Pino was doing this, we would simply say he’s a cheater and demand Francesca dump him immediately. When Dev actually kisses his not girlfriend amid all this romantic ambiance, she says, “No,” and runs out of his apartment.
Things pick up for these two after the Chef Jeff meltdown with Francesca back in Dev’s apartment. She laments that being with Dev in New York would force her to lose her entire life in Italy, including her nonna, the adorable Mario, her relationship of 10 years, and the entire future she imagined with Pino — and for what? A fun month in NYC with Dev? If things don’t work out between the two, Francesca would have thrown out everything she held dear for a doomed relationship. Dev doesn’t accept this excuse and realises it’s possible Francesca used him as an emotional escape during a rough patch in her relationship and is now going to toss him aside. After 10 episodes watching this couple, I wish I felt more invested, but everyone — including cheated-on Pino — seems extremely self centred. If we’re all being honest, Francesca needs to be alone for a while, since she repeatedly says she doesn’t know what she wants right now.
Francesca leaves the apartment after Dev demands to know if the treatment he’s getting is fair. Alone, the Food TV star takes a walk around New York and bumps into his season 1 ex-girlfriend Rachel. After all the tumult with Francesca, Dev no longer has any spark with Rachel, which is probably for the best. Dev eventually ends up getting a drink with Arnold, who recommends he watches a silly movie to get over his heartbreak. When Dev gets home, he ignores this good advice and makes a pro-con list about Francesca.
In Francesca’s part of New York, she rewatches a cute video from one of the “Un Poco” dates and seemingly realises she’s fallen hard for Dev. When Pino asks if his fiancée is ready to leave NYC, all she does is sigh. The camera cuts, fades to black, and opens on Francesca in bed next to Dev. The closing scene isn’t especially sexual since everyone is clothed and Francesca looks pensive more than anything. She turns to Dev, he opens his eyes to look at her, and Master Of None season 2 is officially finished, cue the Italian music.
Buona notte, friends.
What should have Dev mastered?: The difference between condone and condemn before going on television with an alleged sexual predator.
What did Dev actually master?: An emotional and sometimes physical affair.
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Katherine Langford reacted the same way we would if our phone began blowing up with frantic messages to check Twitter: “shit, my nudes have leaked!” Luckily for the Australian star of the Netflix smash hit 13 Reasons Why, it wasn’t because her private racy pics hit the web. It was because her biggest artistic inspiration, the incomparable Lady Gaga, had tweeted about her and even added a cute red heart emoji.
Appearing on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, Langford further delved into her Gaga devotion by explaining that she was inspired to learn how to play piano after seeing Mother Monster perform "Princess Die" at the Born This Way Ball tour when she was 16. Katherine explains that was so taken with the acoustic performance that she watched YouTube tutorials to figure out the “concept” of the piano because she had no idea how to play the instrument. These days, there’s certainly a tutorial for everything on YouTube.
Whether Gaga knows it or not, playing the piano was a source of comfort for the actress while she was filming 13 Reasons Why, tackling formidable subject matter like sexual assault, bullying, and teen suicide.
Langford also talked about how seriously both Netflix and the show handles the issue of suicide prevention, which she calls “aftercare”. She mentioned a 30-minute special that plays after the last episode, and how she includes links to 13reasonswhy.info and itsonus.org on her Instagram posts. “If one in ten girls watched that out of five million, you’re hopefully going to have a lot of people.”
Meanwhile, Netflix announced Season 2 of “13 Reasons Why” and even gave us some insight into how the rest of the series will play out, given that Langford’s character Hannah won’t be the narrator. There will, however, be “a new method of analogue communication” - perhaps music will be the next exposition device?
Towards the end of March, various news outlets reported that hundreds of illegal skin-lightening products containing a chemical linked to cancer were seized at Heathrow Airport. Sent from Nigeria, they were en route to south London when they were intercepted by Trading Standards officers. Head of Buckinghamshire and Surrey Trading Standards, Steve Ruddy, said in a statement: “Cosmetics like these have been banned in Britain since 2001 and yet we’re still uncovering attempts to ply a trade in them at the expense of people’s health. Working with border force staff, we’ll continue doing all we can to keep people safe from products such as these potentially life-threatening creams and stop them ending up in stores or being sold online in this country.” I have no doubt that Ruddy and his colleagues work tirelessly to stem the flow of black market goods but, much like fake Beats headphones or a pair of suspect Jimmy Choos, the reality is that most people can purchase skin-whitening creams almost as easily as they can a Big Mac.
I chat to a friend, Ayesha, a 30-year-old trainee lawyer who grew up visiting beauty salons and shops that sold skin-lightening products. She laughs when I tell her about the seize. “You’ll still be able to find these creams in just about every beauty shop for black women in south London. They're readily available to purchase without anyone batting an eyelid, and I know women that do.”
Consultant dermatologist at The Harley Street Dermatology Clinic, Dr. Friedmann confirms that the problem is far bigger than perceived. “I see women, and men too, of all ages who have abused whitening products which have caused severe damage to their skin. What happens is that they don’t realise the formula has hydroquinone in, and they use too much, too often, and for too long. As a result, ochronosis sets in, where you get acid build-up in the skin which turns very pigmented and black.”
Products containing hydroquinone – the chemical in all those skin-lightening treatments seized at Heathrow, which has been linked to an increased risk of skin cancer – are illegal in the UK unless prescribed by a doctor for medical purposes. While banning hydroquinone may seem like a positive step towards stamping out what is regarded by many as a dangerous cosmetic practice, tackling the issues around perceived ideals of beauty is far more complex. In a recent feature for The New York Times, journalist Helene Cooper highlighted the issues faced by women in Ghana, for example: "The ban [on certain skin-lightening products] hasn’t extended to removing the countless billboard advertisements on how to get "perfect white" skin." The article references an estimate that puts the number of women in west Africa using lightening creams at 70%.
Billboard ads of this kind may not be an issue for women in the UK but subliminal messages promoting Eurocentric beauty standards are still hugely prevalent. And while more and more body confidence campaigns are launched all the time, skin colour and beauty confidence campaigns have been left pretty much in the dark, from lack of representation in beauty advertisements to the countless brands who still don’t produce foundations for darker skin tones. “The natural hair movement has been brilliant for encouraging women to forgo weaves and wigs and embrace their natural texture,” explains Ayesha. “Yet I think there is less momentum to give up skin-whitening products." Does she believe that a similar movement could happen with skin lightening? “I’m not sure, women are more open about wearing weaves, whereas skin lightening isn’t as prevalent among the Instagram generation. I think maybe those that do use it don’t really understand the extent of the damage they are causing to their skin.”
Ayesha also says she finds open condemnation of their use problematic. “Celebrities such as Lil' Kim and Vybz Kartel received a huge backlash over their obvious skin bleaching, however they were criticised by people who occupy traditional white media, and who have little understanding of the systematic pressure women of colour are under to conform to beauty ideals that are predominately created by and for white women.” She adds: “While I don’t endorse Lil' Kim or even the women I know who use these products, I do understand why.”
For an industry perspective, I also spoke to British model and actress Elena Fernandes about her experience with whitening creams. “I’ve used them before because… I guess because I trusted the brand name… and I do a lot of work in India, where whiteness is associated with wealth. It’s very sad but I know that if I get a tan, then I’m likely to lose work over there.” She added that respect for cultural differences has to be taken into consideration. “Western women sunbathe in order to make their skin tone darker, yet that comes under less scrutiny.” Since becoming a Bollywood star and gathering a young female fanbase, Elena refuses to use or endorse skin-lightening products, despite being approached by big brands. “I now do talks in schools and I’m in the mindset where I want young girls to embrace who they are and love the skin they’re in.”
The issue is also garnering attention in the world of cosmetic science, with the Open University launching England’s first survey on skin whitening. Led by Dr. Steve Garner, a lecturer there, the one-year pilot project is the first attempt to measure and understand the usage of these products, by surveying women from black and minority ethnic groups in London, Leicester and Birmingham. Funded by the British Academy on Skin Lightening, the project aims to create the first dataset about skin lightening in England by finding out why certain women feel the need to use skin lighteners. While the study is not setting out to criticise the women who use these creams, Dr. Garner explains that they “hope its findings will raise enough awareness to put the controversial practice into the spotlight.”
As a beauty editor, I constantly try to promote the goodness that can be found in my industry. Yet I’m under no illusions as to how ‘beauty’ can be manipulated to fuel insecurities in a bid to shift products. While history plays a huge part, the pursuit of light skin is more than just the result of colonial rule and tradition. Globalisation and the impact of consumerism helps to keep racism alive and kicking and this is where beauty brands must take responsibility. While Black Girl Magic and the natural hair movement are brilliant examples of how far we have come, the prevalence of skin whitening and lightening on social media, coupled with the openness of celebrities and influencers who alter their skin tone, are staunch reminders of how far we still need to go as a society. And until we get there, governments banning products is the equivalent of using a plaster to heal a bullet wound.
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Poor North West cannot catch a break from the paparazzi. The pint-sized Kardashian-West is so over the constant clicking of cameras in her face, whether she’s just trying to go to ballet class or sprawl out on a couch in a fur coat. And recently, she went to the Museum of Ice Cream with her famous mum Kim, where the photographers were waiting for the famous fam as they made their way to their car. Tiny North screams at the paps, with all her might, “No pictures!,” while she’s holding her ice cream. She’s really not having it and has no qualms about making that known. She looks annoyed, sounds even more distressed, and regardless of how adorable she is, it’s absolutely heartbreaking to see a child so upset.
Look, just because Nori’s parents are famous does not mean that she is on public exhibit. Her parents’ choice of career should not infringe on her ability to go outside undisturbed and simply be a kid. What kind of impact will this maniacal intrusion onto her personal space have on her as she develops? She is a child, she is literally only four years old, and for her entire short life she’s always known the flash of cameras following her everywhere she goes. How can she develop a sense of self in her body? How will this add to the stress of adolescence as she ages?
These questions helped form the basis of 2013 California law that fines paparazzo for taking photos of celebrity children, and how it constitutes harassment. Unfortunately, the photographers still follow North West, the Jolie-Pitt children, and Suri Cruise, trying to snap an image that will pay them thousands. Breaking the law is enticing when the potential payout is so lucrative.
Many people shift the blame onto her parents, specifically her mother Kim Kardashian West, but to do so absolves the paparazzi — and indeed, ourselves, as the consumers of these images — of culpability. Kim may enjoy having her photo taken, but North clearly does not. Kim is also an adult and can consent to pictures, while North cannot. At her age, she may not even understand why the cameras are following her around in the first place. North’s bodily autonomy deserves to be respected. In a world where femme-identifying bodies are already seen as entitled public property, North should be allowed to grow up free to define her autonomy as she sees fit. Chalking this up to a “Kanye moment” further takes away her agency. Given that she’s repeatedly voiced displeasure at having her photo taken, we’d like to see the paparazzi respect her wishes.
Family. Your BFF. Animals. Miley Cyrus. Tattoos are a way of expressing yourself and the things you care about, whatever those things may be. After all, a picture speaks a thousand words, particularly if it’s permanently etched on your body. But what if that picture could actually speak?
It sounds preposterous (and, let’s be real, it kind of is), but a new company called Skin Motion — and its promotional videos — say otherwise. According to its website, the “mobile application and artist platform network for augmented reality tattoos” was founded by Nate Siggard, a tattoo artist who claims to have invented a way to turn tattoos of soundwaves into… sound. “What is more personal, more permanent, and more meaningful than a tattoo?” the site asks. “A tattoo you can play back.”
After the app launches next month, according to Siggard, customers will be able to upload an audio clip to the app, purchase the resulting tattoo, and then get it tattooed by a Skin Motion-certified artist. Once that’s finished, you’ll be able to use the app on your phone to play up to a minute of the audio squiggles inked on your body, whatever sounds they may contain. Your dog’s bark? Your deceased grandmother telling you she loves you? (Bleak.) Your child’s laughter, like Siggard has already done? The choice is yours.
For anyone not interested in the wilful suspension of disbelief, the natural reaction to these claims is that there’s no way they could be real. The YouTube clips provided are intended to disprove that theory — but couldn’t they just be playing the recorded audio back while holding a phone over the tattoo, no ground-breaking “technology” necessary? If that’s the case, then Skin Motion has devised a truly genius way of tricking unsuspecting people into paying to get a soundwave tattooed on their body and download a “special” app that plays a previously recorded sound. Evil, maybe, but genius.
A few weeks ago, my desire to stay informed on all things Met Gala got the best of me, and I went on an Instagram following spree. Among the new additions to my feed were Jourdan Dunn, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Olivier Rousteing, Emily Ratajkowski, and Zendaya.
Within less than 30 minutes of adding this somewhat random mix of fashionistas, I received 10 follows of my own. To put that in perspective, I usually earn one or two new followers a week, if that.
Here's the thing: If you keep your Instagram account set to "public" — and you aren’t a celebrity or influencer — you’ve probably experienced the odd random follower notification from time to time. Just how many randos you get depends on a few factors: who you’re following, how many (and which) hashtags you add to a caption, the people you tag in a photo, and how often you add a location to a post.
Click on one of the random accounts that follows you, and more often than not, you'll see that the account has hundreds or thousands of followers, but no posts — or just a few posts of its own. Or, it's set to private. This is because many of the random followers you get aren't real people or companies; they're bots.
There's a huge bot problem on Instagram.
"There's a huge bot problem on Instagram," says Evan Asano, CEO of influencer marketing agency Mediakix. "Through Instagress and other bots, you can set it to Like, comment, and follow people who post images around certain hashtags or other celebrities and influencers. The idea being that if you Like people's photos, they'll come back and check your profile and might follow you back."
At the end of last month, Instagram shut down Instagress, but there are many more like it. Often, a bot will be set to follow an account and unfollow it shortly after, Asano says. The maximum number of accounts someone can follow is 7,500, and a bot's goal is to reach as many accounts as it can as quickly as it can. If you're not tracking who unfollows you, you'll never notice the loss of a random follower.
Sad news to all of you who fell in love with Instagress: by request of Instagram we've closed our web-service that helped you so much. pic.twitter.com/sIRYfFVywX
Of course, your random followers aren't always bots. "When someone Likes a highly-engaged account, followers will often look at who comments and Likes," explains Karen Robinovitz, the chief creative officer at Digital Brand Architects, a talent management firm representing many high-performing influencers. "It's pretty safe to say that there's a commonality from an interest perspective among followers of the same account, so it becomes another pathway for discovery. Once a person stumbles upon content that resonates, they'll naturally follow the creator."
the average person will spend up to eight months of their life on Instagram.
This speaks to the whole cabinet-of-curiosities element of Instagram. Part of why many of us spend so much time on the platform — one Mediakix statistic predicts that the average person will spend up to eight months of their life on Instagram — is because we get sucked down the "Search and Explore" rabbit hole, hopping from one tattoo or Disney food account to the next.
Spending eight months of your life searching Instagram is a terrifying thought. At least we can try to spend all that time interacting with real people with whom we share common interests — rather than with bots.
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Stop, tune in, and have a good look around. And while you’re at it, get all yogini and take a few cleansing breaths. After a manic month in Aries — that also included a retrograde until May 3 — mental Mercury moves on to stable, sensible Taurus. Sweet relief! With the messenger planet in the Bull’s pen until June 6, we have a chance to get our bearings again. This is an excellent time for practical planning and budgeting and all the things that make us feel like we have our Vans on solid earth. This phase is both sensible and sensual. Slowing down helps us appreciate the touch, taste, and texture of things. Choose quality over quantity!
But forget about falling back into sleep mode. Gemini season begins on Saturday and things start buzzing again. This social solar cycle lasts until June 21 and is an excellent time for networking, pairing up, and giving joint ventures a go. No need to search high and low for your “twin,” though! Locally grown options are the best when Gemini is ruling the skies. Not feeling the choices in your post code? Become a regular in a nearby area or give the bi-city lifestyle a legit try.
Taurus April 20 to May 20
Cat got your tongue, Taurus? Not after Tuesday when messenger Mercury grooves into your sign until June 6 — the second visit of 2017. We wouldn't blame you for bottling up. Mercury visited Taurus from March 31 to April 20, but turned retrograde on April 9. Suddenly, crystal-clear communications turned uncomfortably awkward and you couldn't read anyone's intentions anymore. WTF?! Shake it off, Bull. You get a blessed do-over now. Ask for second chances; set up heart-to-hearts if you need to make amends. (And just say, "I'm sorry," not the 2017 Excuse of the Year, "It wasn't my fault.") Are you ready to show the world a new side of yourself? Update all your profiles and give your style a spring refresh. With Mercury in your sign, you could nail a signature look for spring. How about upping your floral dress game with toughed-up combat boots, say?
Squeeze in the last drops of celebration before Saturday. That's when Taurus season 2017 comes to an end and the sun moves on to Gemini and your pragmatic second house until June 21. After a month of hedonism, you'll be ready to embrace this dose of practical magic. Streamline, simplify, and be more of a minimalist. During this budget-savvy solar cycle, you might need to tighten your belt a bit. Start by shopping in your own closet and build from there. Friends who understand the meaning of comfortable silence are you best companions now. Romantically, everything feels more sensual — and even a little old-fashioned. What's the rush anyway, right?
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Gemini May 21 to June 20
To sleep, perchance to dream, Gemini? This Tuesday, your celestial ruler, mindful Mercury, slips into Taurus and your enchanted 12th house. Until June 6, your imagination will be supersized. Channel that ability into creative projects, the planning of fantasy dates, and a meditation practice. But don't let thoughts run away from you unchecked! You could be a little, er, paranoid over the coming three weeks. And while gut feelings are good alarm bells, they don't reveal the whole truth. If something feels off — or on! — investigate thoroughly and get the facts before you react.
Everything is illuminated on Saturday, when the sun sails into your sign and kicks off Gemini season until June 21. After a foggy, unfocused four weeks your desires become sharp and clear again. Better still? You won't be the least bit shy about asking for what you want and need. A little more breathing room might be one such request — especially if certain people have become a little too needy of your time and attention. Birthday time is when you get to do you. And you'll need lots of room to explore your independent interests...without anyone slowing you down.
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Cancer June 21 to July 22
So many people, so little time! Your popularity gets a giant spike this Tuesday, as social Mercury cruises into Taurus and your ultra-social 11th house. By June 6, your friend circle could grow exponentially — both online and in the non-virtual world. Follow fascinating people on Instagram and explore new scenes. An arts or activist group (or both rolled into one) can be your new playground. When was the last time you googled yourself? You could wind up in some influential people's searches over the coming few weeks. Take down those tipsy tweets, snarky drags, and blurry photos - and freshen up your feeds with things worth bragging about!
Despite the unavoidable buzz of your social life, you'll also feel the lure of your cosy shell starting Saturday, when the sun drifts into Gemini and your dreamy, transitional 12th house. These four weeks leading up to Cancer season are some of the sleepiest times for you each year. Declutter, detox, and decompress. The more you let go of, the lighter and more awake you'll feel. You'll wear those rose-coloured glasses unapologetically, too. In your case, this can be a good thing, as it can help you drop your fierce guard. Just be careful not to confuse a fantasy with the real deal.
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Leo July 23 to August 22
Ambition is in your cosmic DNA, Leo (cue makeup mogul Kylie Jenner). Shout your dreams from the rooftop! It's time to clue the world in on your latest developments. From Tuesday until June 6, communication planet Mercury cruises through Taurus and your 10th house of success. Having raw talent or a great CV is essential. But without proper promotion, how will people know what you're capable of? It's not bragging if you spell out the benefits you'll provide. Turn the spotlight onto others: What's in it for them? And hey, Leo, maybe you've gone too far with this modesty schtick. Not speaking up could mean getting passed over for an opportunity. Overworked and underpaid? Read these tips on asking for a raise which will inspire you to ask for what you're worth.
Spruce up your web presence along with your professional image. On Saturday, the sun sails into Gemini and your 11th house of community and technology until June 21. People will be googling your name and you want to represent! Your social life heats up now too, so much so that you could be overwhelmed with all the invitations and requests for your time. Organise group hangs and experiment a little. Who knows? Your buttoned-up mortgage broker friend might just click with the festival-hopping music blogger you adore. Stranger things have happened. Activism also calls your name — find your tribe through a shared cause.
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Virgo August 23 to September 22
Double tap that Duolingo app! Your ruler, expressive Mercury, sweeps into your worldly ninth house from Tuesday until June 6. A chance to travel could pop up out of the blue. Find out friends' festival schedules and think about organising a long weekend away with your favourite free spirits. Your mind is hungry for new material, so go on an educational journey by signing up for a webinar or a weekend retreat. Multicultural mingling will add new dimensions to your world. Practice those conversational foreign phrases — maybe with an online "pen pal" via Skype!
While your suitcase will be in heavy rotation, so, too, will your laptop bag. This Saturday, the sun sweeps into Gemini and your 10th house of ambition until June 21. Set your sights on success! You may need to streamline your goals, especially if you've spread yourself too thin. You're a giver, Virgo, and the ultimate supporter. But your squad will understand if you need to pull back and focus on your dreams for a minute. Men may play an important role in your advancement over the coming month. Explore synergies with the helpful guys in your life. If the guys in your office keep taking credit for your work, a read of Feminist Fight Club can help you hold your own around the "bro-propriators." Power: reclaimed!
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Libra September 23 to October 22
Are you in or are you out? And are they, Libra? Talks could turn to ultimatums this week as messenger Mercury heads into Taurus and your "all or nothing" eighth house until June 6. Suddenly, laid-back you wants everything refined and defined — but not if that makes you feel confined. If you're going to commit, your heart and soul must be in it. Otherwise, it's better to bounce now and avoid further entanglements. But don't just ghost on people, Libra. Your sign is famously allergic to conflict, but you're also a stellar negotiator. Broaching tough topics could bring about surprisingly good solutions. This seductive Mercury cycle makes you quite the siren, too. Spice up the sexting and pillow talk — and with digital Mercury in the mix, you might even try some new toys.
Wanderlust strikes on Saturday when the sun boards a flight to Gemini Land and your travel-obsessed ninth house until June 21. Scout out destinations — domestic and abroad — that you're dying to visit. You might even travel solo as a rite of passage or jump into a healing retreat in the Amazon jungle. Cross-cultural connections heat up, no matter your Google Earth coordinates. You could be drawn to an activist mission that centre around the concerns of POC or a charity that addresses global crises like refugee rights.
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Scorpio October 23 to November 21
Let's make a deal! This Tuesday, verbal Mercury swings into Taurus and your relationship house until June 6, making you a charming negotiator and a shameless flirt! But beam those seductive powers selectively. You're bound to attract some keepers — or draw them back into your world. Mercury already visited Taurus from March 31 to April 20, but the retrograde from April 9 to May 3 may have short-circuited a promising connection. Did you ghost a good one (or vice versa)? A second chance may be in store...just don't invite a toxic troublemaker back into your life, even if the sex was fire!
On Saturday, the sun shimmies into Gemini and your erotic, esoteric eighth house until June 21. This is the part of the Zodiac wheel associated with Scorpio energy, so you'll totally feel in your element for the coming four weeks. Break out the tarot cards and the book on tantra. All things mystical will call your name now — or in a deeper way than they usually do. Relationships intensify under this solar charge, but your jealous streak could also show up. Try to keep the green-eyed monster from taking hold of your brain, especially if you don't have proof that something shady's actually going down.
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Sagittarius November 22 to December 21
Details, details! The devil — and a chorus of angels — can be found there for the next three weeks as mental Mercury camps out in Taurus and your fastidious sixth house until June 6. You're a big-picture person and a visionary. But when it comes to fussing over the little things, you've been known to rush through and even get a little (ahem) sloppy in your haste. Slow down and obsess over those finer points. And if that level of perfectionism makes you clench up, outsource to someone who is proudly anal. Getting the job done right could pay off in public praise and even a promotion at the job.
Partnerships become even more potent starting Saturday, as the sun swings into Gemini and your seventh house of partnerships for a month. Let go of that stubborn independence, Archer! You'll have much more fun collaborating, especially if you find people who can pick up where you leave off. Gemini is your opposite sign, so expect to click and clash with the people who love you most. They might hold up the mirror in uncomfortable ways, but try to hear their feedback as loving advice instead of a teardown. If you're the one doling out wisdom, make sure to wrap your words in a compliment sandwich!
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Capricorn December 22 to January 19
A picture says a thousand words, Capricorn. And with messenger Mercury heading into your glamorous, amorous fifth house from Tuesday until June 6, you want to represent in a way that draws attention. The right attention, that is. What is the Capricorn “brand” all about, if you will? Take time to write a list of your top five values like, loyalty, originality, sophistication, etc. Then, streamline everything from your wardrobe to your Wordpress templates to make sure they reflect these qualities. This isn’t an overnight job, so take your time. These words can help you make more curated choices. You’ll also be a bit of a love magnet for the next three weeks. Look up from your mobile devices while you’re out and about. The slings of Cupid’s arrows or the spark of creative synergy could happen anywhere from the Pilates studio to the subway platform!
Speaking of that Pilates studio — or the gym, outdoor track, whatever — you get a wellness wakeup call on Saturday when the sun zips into Gemini and your healthy living zone until June 21. Make movement more of a priority and see how you feel when you dial down your caffeine and sugar intake. If you’ve been sleep deprived, get more shuteye! Even gyms are offering napping classes. Rest restores your radiance and your productivity, Capricorn. Good thing since work is also going to be quite busy for the coming four weeks!
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Aquarius January 20 to February 18
Friendly Aquarius, you can never have too many BFFs. And for the past month, your popularity just keeps skyrocketing. The trouble is, your inner circle may be feeling shortchanged. This Tuesday, social Mercury slips into your intimate fourth house until June 6, giving you a chance to reconnect with your closest crew. Family, too! When was the last time you visited home or had an uninterrupted, three-hour heart-to-heart with your sis? These relationships feed your soul, Aquarius. You don’t have to let new friendships die on the vine. Maybe turn them into happy hour group hangs, but give your innermost circle one-on-one privileges.
And leave some whitespace on the calendar for love! On Saturday, Gemini season begins as the sun swings into the sign of the Twins — and activates your flamboyant, romantic fifth house — until June 21. A late-season rush of spring fever will wash over you and one person could really give you the butterflies. Don’t be too quick to declare your undying loyalty, though. Dating around can be fun, if only to build up suspense. If you’re already attached, fill the shared calendar with fun playdates. Hit a festival together and find ways to merge your friend groups more regularly. Co-hosting a Memorial Day jam could be an ideal bonding experience.
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Pisces February 19 to March 20
C'mon out of that cocoon already, Pisces! Your social butterfly wings start flapping at a faster BPM this Tuesday as curious Mercury zips into Taurus and your playful third house. While it's fun to be a regular at a few haunts, mix things up! The local scene could deliver a fresh bounty of cultural entertainment, from hidden galleries to yoga studios to weekend artists' markets. Nothing like that happening in your 'hood? Start it up yourself, Pisces, maybe with the help of a couple girlfriends. A local business might be keen to collaborate with you on a co-hosted event. And who knows? They might be willing to split profits from the bar — a nice way to build your summer festival funds.
On Saturday, the sun nests in Gemini and your domestic zone until June 21. While you'll need your RDA of friend time, homebody time is important during this four-week cycle. But that doesn't mean you have to be all by your lonesome at Chez Pisces. Host a dinner party or discussion group on pillows in your living room — or maybe a slumber party with your four favourite people of 2017. Does your space feel like enough of a sanctuary? Add relaxing touches to your bedroom like an aromatherapy diffuser or white noise machine if you live above a neighbourhood bar. You can improve the quality of your slumber, if not the quantity.
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
Aries March 21 to April 19
Pass the lozenges and praise the Throat Coat tea! Ever since Mercury popped into your sign this past April 20, you’ve been talking a blue streak. (And one that might have left you profusely apologizing for a blunder while the speedy planet was retrograde until May 3. FML!) Exciting as it’s been, the idea of a silent meditation may seem kind of appealing on Tuesday, when the messenger planet settles into Taurus and your serene second house until June 6. Along with quiet contemplation, work and money become your focus now. Radar in on professional growth opportunities and do what it takes to show and prove — even if that means hustling to pay your dues. Plan to spend more time in nature, too. Maybe it’s time to join that cycling club or move your yoga practice to the park!
If you’re actually going to go dark on social media, do it before Saturday! After that, there’s going to be some wind beneath your social butterfly wings, as the sun heads into Gemini and your curious, communicative third house for a month. Resting your vocal chords? You’ll still have a way with words and you could churn out some amazing blog posts or write a few chapters of your future novel by June 21. Flutter around and check out new scenes. Although you’re the truest original, there might be a kindred spirit or two on the planet. P.S.: With locally active Gemini on the job (also the sign that rules mobile devices) for four weeks, your peeps might be sitting at the neighbourhood bar or checking you out on Instagram.
Illustrated by Alia Penner. Photographed by Jason Rodgers.
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Lost luggage is a traveller's worst nightmare. If you've ever arrived at a destination to find that your bags haven't, you'll know the stress of trying to get it back.
It happened once when I was on a family holiday to Portugal - we arrived at Lisbon airport and waited patiently at the baggage carousel for two suitcases that never came, then traipsed sulkily to our hotel wondering what on earth we were going to wear for the next seven days. Fortunately, the airline soon relocated the suitcases and sent them to our hotel a couple of days later - crisis averted! But to this day, my mum still ties a bright pink ribbon around her suitcase handle when she travels because someone told her it helps the lost luggage people identify your bag more quickly.
Sadly, some travellers never manage to recover their lost luggage, which leaves airports facing a problem: What do they do with a load of unwanted suitcases? Well, the Daily Telegraph reports that by law, UK airports have to keep hold of lost luggage for 90 days. After that, they're free do donate unclaimed suitcases to a local auction house. Greasbys in south London apparently receives a lot of unclaimed luggage from London airports - and the contents aren't especially glamorous. "It's dirty clothing and bags, mainly," an employee told the Daily Telegraph.
Other auction houses who regularly sell off unclaimed lost luggage include Wellers in Surrey and Bristol Commercial Valuers and Auctioneers. If you have a nose for a bargain, and don't mind sifting through someone's clothes to find one, they're surely worth a visit.
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The internet is having a massive disagreement about whether or not the new adaptation of Anne of Green Gables, Anne With An E, is a good show. Many people are loyalists to the original series from the 1980s and are not feeling this new version at all. However, some people are into it.
The show is a CBC adaptation acquired by Netflix, and it is written by Emmy-winning Breaking Bad writer and producer Moira Walley-Beckett. Her take on the source material is admittedly dark, and it turns out that not everyone wants to see Anne of Green Gables as Breaking Bad.
— Christina Forrester (@Christinaof9) May 14, 2017
Some people, however, are here for it, even going so far as to find the re-telling to be feminist (though not everyone agrees with that point). While these people seem to be in the minority, they're finding things to enjoy in this new version, which includes fresh dialogue and invented scenes that aren't found in the original adaptation. Some viewers even offer some good advice for enjoying this new take on an old classic.
However, the internet has found agreement on one point. Viewers seem to universally love the young actor Lucas Jade Zumann as this generation's Gilbert Blythe.
Anyone walking down the street, turning on the TV, or looking through social media has probably already been bombarded by ads flaunting summer bodies, bikini diets, and more. And while many women can ignore the inane message of beach bodies and summer slim-downs, Milly Smith, a body-positivity advocate took it one step further and spoke out. PopSugar reports that the vlogger and creator of the #mybadassbody movement posted a powerful photo showing just how she's feeling about the upcoming season and any expectations associated with it.
"Hey summer diet adverts/products, just a FYI that you won't be fucking with me this year," Smith wrote in an Instagram post showing her in summer-ready clothes by Aerie. She addresses summer diets and products directly, saying that they've taken her happiness and her pride. This year, she's not having any of it. "You've taken years of smiles from my summers. You've made me hide my body under layers," she continues. "You made me ashamed. Well you can FUCK OFF this year."
A post shared by Milly Smith 💛🌻☀️👑 (@selfloveclubb) on
Smith's followers applauded her positive attitude and outlook. "You have no idea how much I appreciate you. I can't believe I can finally eat without consulting counting the calories. I can enjoy milkshakes again. Thank you so much," one wrote.
"I admire your strength and the will to keep fighting for happiness, showing that it's possible," another added.
The photo prompted others to share their own stories. A scroll through the comments reveals more powerful stories of positivity and facing summer diet ads (and their unattainable ideals) head-on. "Needed to see/read this so bad. About to fly to Jamaica for my holiday and even though I like to think I'm not effected [sic] by stupid diet ads, I am," a user described. She continues by affirming Smith's message, "I can feel the anxiety building about having to get into a bikini, and the guilt creeps in every time I decide to eat something delicious. And I'm what society would consider as slim, and yet those body hang-ups still taunt me. Why the hell has society made us think we need to look a certain way to be able to be happy in our own skin?! Screw that!"
Smith concluded her caption with a summer-ready mic drop, too. "I'll be laughing at your attempts to reel me in from behind my ice cream and pina colada," she wrote. "This girl ain't got time for your shit. To [sic] busy living life." Let's all raise a piña colada to that.
The twerking and barely there clothes aren't the only things that Miley Cyrus left in the past. Teen Vogue reports that while promoting her single, "Malibu," Cyrus noted that not only did she have to fall back in love with her fiancé, Liam Hemsworth, she also quit smoking marijuana.
During an appearance on SiriusXM's Hits 1 Radio, Cyrus said that she hasn't smoked in 10 weeks and has stopped drinking alcohol, too. The result? She feels great and more energised.
"A lot of people have reached out to me and they're like, 'You know, if you want help or if you want to go to these meetings...' and I'm like, 'No, when I want something, I can do it,'" Cyrus explained during the interview. "Anything that I want to do — if I want to stop or start something, I can do anything. I just decided not to anymore and now it's easy for me."
In a recent interview with Billboard, Cyrus explained more of her reasoning. She said that she likes to "surround [herself] with people that make me want to get better, more evolved, open." The marijuana was making her world cloudy, she explained. "And I was noticing, it's not the people that are stoned," she told Billboard. "I want to be super clear and sharp, because I know exactly where I want to be."
Cyrus' decision seems to be part of a growing trend. Teen Vogue adds that a recent study found that drug use among young people has dropped. This all-new Miley Cyrus seems to be a far cry from the girl who threw her fiancé a weed-themed birthday party earlier this year. But this change is certainly in step with the transformations Cyrus has undergone before. She's definitely not Hannah Montana anymore and it seems she's left her Technicolor raver days in the past, too.
You can hear Cyrus' interview, below.
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It's time to wave goodbye to autumnal navy, grey and oxblood, and make way for tangerine, canary and lime, as this spring calls for a cacophony of colour. Whether you look to Dulux's shade of the season or the primary colours from your childhood paintbox, no hue is off-limits.
This season hot pink played out at Valentino, Hermès and Marni, carrot took centre stage at Max Mara, Givenchy and Bottega Veneta, and we clocked cobalt at Pringle of Scotland, Rochas and Salvatore Ferragamo.
While some of the looks were presented in head-to-toe colour-blocking, there were advocates for unusual colour-clashing, too. Green and orange went hand-in-hand at Mary Katrantzou, while Issey Miyake sent lilac and fuchsia down the catwalk.
We've never been believers in fashion "rules" (in our opinion, pink and red, and black and navy make fabulous bedfellows), but this spring it's time to max out the colour spectrum. Click through to see how the stylish set is working colourful brights on Instagram.
Jeanette Madsen's sunshine yellow Bottega Veneta shirt dress is the epitome of spring against that fuchsia backdrop.
This is how you do spring workwear. Tamu McPherson's Rosie Assoulin peplum trousers look so '70s with her extreme platforms.
Megan Ellaby wears green without veering into St. Patrick's Day territory.
We're seriously digging Erika Bowes' silky tangerine dream of a knotted shirt.
Mathilde's gingham Monki trousers offset her '80s Norwegian Vintage top nicely.
Pink and white are two of spring's freshest colours. Team with embellished sliders, like Freja Wewer.
We're thrilled to say head-to-toe pink is going nowhere – make like Sofie and pair your pink suit with a matching roll neck.
Charlie Barker is the queen of colour and here she's gone full clash with a cute Coach shark jumper and vintage trousers. Her sweet neckerchief ties the look together.
Bella aka Internet Girl knows how to do superhero colours – her Kermit trousers offset her flash of red hair and purple velvet rucksack. POW!
When the weather isn't playing ball, follow Vanessa Hong's lead and bring your own sunshine (your go-to summer colour). Stop it from being too nice with a leather jacket and strong shades.
Red alert, red alert: Aimee Song's two-piece is giving us festival fever.
Tahmina Begum's entire wardrobe is a mashup of bright colours but her working of electric blue and gold here is genius. Topped off with tinted specs, of course.
More mellow yellow from Kia Marie. The simple addition of kicks and a denim jacket makes this throw-it-on-and-go perfection.
Lady in red Shope Delano handmade this textured off-the-shoulder top, but the high street is packed with Bardot-style pieces for spring.
Andria's Max Mara suit is electric cool and office-appropriate (just add trainers and statement earrings).
Lisa Folawiyo's top-to-bottom Balenciaga get-up (recreated straight from the catwalk) is the 2017 way to wear pink. Her turquoise earrings and simple black handbag keep all eyes on the outfit.
Another DIY piece, this time from Miranda Makaroff, who hand-painted this technicolour denim jacket. We're off to buy acrylics...
Ava's neon yellow jacket is ideal for transitional spring weather. We love her cyberspace boots and belt chain, too.
Micaéla Verrelien's ASOS double denim drop pays homage to music videos of the '90s, and is our new go-to weekend wear.
ASOS Insider Lotte matches her boxy denim to TfL's overground and rounds it off with '90s Kurt Cobain sunnies.
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When you think of Kate Moss' style, what springs to mind? Skinny jeans and blazers? Denim cut-offs and biker boots? Vintage dresses? Or perhaps leopard print and the perfectly tousled dirty blonde hair? Her magpie love of jewellery may not be the first thing you think of when you think of Mossy's inimitable, effortless style but chunky, vintage rings and multi-chain necklaces are as much of a wardrobe constant as the clothes we're so familiar with.
Over the years, we've been able to tap into Kate Moss' style through sell-out collaborations with clothing brands such as Topshop and Equipment, and even mimicked the supermodel's beauty look through collections for Rimmel but now the fashion icon has branched into jewellery for the first time, collaborating with close friend and jeweller Ara Vartanian on a limited-edition collection inspired by old English legends and the mystic. Crafted in 18kt gold, the collection is set with rich stones including amethysts, citrine, garnet and green goldstone, and also features one-of-a-kind pieces set with diamonds, rubies and other precious stones.
First meeting in São Paulo in 2012, the duo swiftly became firm friends and it was Kate who originally encouraged Ara to open a store in London last year – his first outside his native Brazil. Born into a family of jewellers, Ara Vartanian left his career in the financial market in 2000 to dedicate himself to his vocation and has swiftly built up a loyal fanbase of famous clients including Naomi Campbell, Liv Tyler, Kate Moss and Lara Stone.
"When we spoke about working together I said I wanted to make... pieces that have meaning and that you can wear every day," Moss told Vogue. "Every time afterwards that I visited London I’d spend time in her wardrobe to get ideas of what she likes," Vartanian added.
The pair have taken aspects of Ara’s designs, such as his iconic Hook Earrings, and joined these with Kate’s unique style and love of jewellery. The collection features medieval symbols, mounted with swords reminiscent of St. George, patron saint of England, who mythically slayed a dragon to save a pagan town, as well as sickle moon symbols and amulets, which bring protection and good energy.
Photo: Fenton BaileyPhoto: Fenton Bailey
The campaign, which was shot by Fenton Bailey at Kate’s Cotswolds home, stars Kate Moss herself, alongside four new faces signed to her model agency: Elfie Reigate, Luka Isaac, Louis Baines and Anna Lea Gardner. A film will be launched to celebrate the jewellery collaboration and showcase the young talent to be managed and mentored by the Kate Moss Agency.
With prices starting at £700, these are investment pieces and potential heirlooms, to be treasured and passed on. So does Kate let her daughter, Lila (who has now followed in her mother's model footsteps) borrow from her covetable collection? "She does love jewellery, but wearing my antique pieces? No." Moss told The Telegraph. Well, luckily, now Lila as well as Kate's legion of wardrobe worshippers can get their hands on their own pieces from this special collaboration, available from Wednesday.
The collection is available from 17th May at the Ara Vartanian flagship store in Mayfair at 44 Bruton Place, W1J as well as at Harvey Nichols andHarveyNichols.com.
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Ever woken up horrified after an intense sex dream involving someone you hate in real life? Me too. Which is why I asked Refinery readers to send me their worst, most depraved, most upsetting sex-based dreams so I could speak to a dream interpreter and find out if they actually do want to sleep with the man in the corner shop.
Before we get into the nitty-gritty of the nighttime fun-time, it’s worth mentioning that there’s still a lot we don’t know about dreams. In one camp, we have experts claiming that they are nothing more than images randomly spat out at you for eight hours; that REM, the stage of sleep where you’re most likely to dream, runs off the ebb and flow of neurotransmitters, and that dreams are just the brain’s way of dealing with these random firings. And in the other camp, we have psychotherapists such as the interpreter I spoke to for this piece, Hilda Burke, a psychotherapist and couples counsellor, who see them as operating a level below our consciousness.
“During our waking hours, we have the 'id' which says, ‘I want’, ‘I’m hungry’, ‘I want sex’, ‘I want comfort’, ‘I want warmth’ – it’s an animal drive,” Burke explains. "Then the 'ego' is what we think of ourselves: ‘I'm funny’, ‘I have a dark sense of humour’. And our 'superego' is the part of us that says ‘I should’ – such as ‘I should work hard’ or ‘I shouldn’t have dreams about having sex with that person’. When we are asleep, it’s just the subconscious, it’s the bit that’s under all that and the id can be there: the desires and wants. It tends to be the level below.”
Burke still believes that some dreams are meaningless images being sorted out by your brain but that figuring out whether or not your dreams are trying to tell you something is very much dependent on context. Same with sex dreams – if you’re dreaming about sex with your ex, that doesn’t necessarily mean you want to bone them in real life. But if you’re dreaming about sex with your ex and waking up with an urge to go back out with them or masturbate over them, then it’s clear what your brain is trying to tell you.
“Having sex [in a dream] can mean many things,” Burke tells me. “It can be an energy exchange whereby you want a quality that that person has. And it depends how you feel about sex; some people see it as pure pleasure, or wanting to feel desired. For others it can mean security and stability. Or it can mean love. There are so many reasons for people having sex and it’s the same in dreams. That will all play out. The mind will throw metaphors up, and those metaphors are usually in their crudest form which, often, involves sex.”
So let’s dive into some of the most socially unacceptable dreams of Refinery29 readers – who all preferred (understandably) to remain anonymous – plus one of my own...
“I always have sexdreams with people who, when I wake up, I’m like, 'Whaaaaat? I don’t fancy any of them!' But I feel real weird seeing them the next day because what if this is my brain saying I fancy them? I have a boyfriend!”
Whether it’s your boss, a colleague, that weirdo at the bus stop or – gasp – someone who is NOT your very nice boyfriend, waking up to find you’ve boned someone you don’t want to bone is alarming. Even if it’s just a dream.
“If that person was my client, I’d be interested in what the person they’re dreaming about represents to them,” says Burke. “If, say, it’s a boss who is a very confident person, who stands up for themselves and gets their point across, and you’re having sex with that boss, there could be an element of something you want about that person. You want an aspect of their personality.”
What a relief! You're not hot for your boss, after all. What’s more, you can examine how you feel when you wake up to figure out if this is a meaningful dream or just an example of your brain sorting through random images.
“If you’re obsessed by it in the waking hours, either disgusted or excited, then it’s awakening something,” says Burke. “But if it’s a case of ‘shove it off and have a laugh about it’ then it’s probably not that. The energy of what you wake up with, the feelings and emotions, are quite telling as well as to whether it has a deeper meaning.”
“ If you tell anyone who I am I will murder you, but I occasionally dream that I’m having sex and that person BECOMES MY PARENTS. I am scared of what this means.”
This really skeeves people out and deserves a category of its own because dreaming you are having sex with your parents is, socially, a whole other kind of wrong.
“It’s interesting when it’s taboo like this. Dreams are separate from our superego, the part of your brain that says you shouldn’t do or think certain things,” explains Burke. “When we sleep, we don’t have those boundaries so it can be interesting what emerges. Something like this is a powerful image, and the psyche will be serving this powerful metaphor up for a reason. It’s perhaps trying to draw attention to something to do with your parents, not sexual, but certainly something. Are your parents active parents? Are you dreaming about an estranged parent? Do you want to be closer to your parents, and your mind is just boiling that down to its crudest form?”
Uncomfortable to think about, yes. Burke also suggests that perhaps something is being suppressed in order to keep the relationship operating smoothly. Again, it’s not necessarily sex-based!
“Have a look at the dream as a whole, too, for clues. When did you have this dream, what was going on that day? The day before? Sometimes when you do that, you’ll realise, ‘Actually it was Saturday, and I had lunch with my mum!’ so there’s nothing unusual there, that’s why she popped up!”
“ Sometimes I dream that I’ve witnessed a sexual assault and I don’t do anything about it. It’s horrible.”
“The worst dream I ever had was when I had sex with someone against their will. I can’t remember who it was – the face kept changing – but I woke up feeling really ashamed."
As with the previous examples, dreaming about sexual assault or violence doesn’t mean you want to experience it. Or that if you saw someone being raped, you wouldn’t do anything to help.
“Witnessing sexual violence and not doing anything sounds like a standard anxiety dream,” says Burke. “You want to stop a disaster from happening, but you’re immobile. Sort of like when you try to run away from someone but you can’t in the dream. It’s less a sexual dream and more an anxiety dream.”
Being a sexual aggressor in a dream is certainly a sex dream but it doesn’t mean what you’d imagine. It’s probably more about having control in your waking life.
“Being an aggressor depends… it could be a power game, about feeling like you’re in control,” Burke explains. “Do you feel like you don’t have a voice at work? Are you being trodden down in any area of your life? A dream like that would make sense as a balancing dream, as in dream fantasies, people often turn the tables. It’s a crude image of taking control as, in real life, you don’t want to do that! It can challenge us, we can feel bad, we don’t see ourselves as being sexual aggressors, but, in the dream world, metaphors are crude. In the real world you may just want to start being a 'yes person', and start speaking up more. That dream is saying, 'Look, you can do it! You can take control!' Despite the disturbing nature of the image.”
This explanation may also apply if the situation is reversed – that is, if you’re dreaming about being sexually assaulted (without having experienced anything of the kind in the past). Feeling out of control or like you’re being taken advantage of in real life could manifest itself as a dream whereby you're subjected to some sort of sexual violence.
“ I sometimes dream that I want to masturbate but I literally can’t find anything to help me, and I wake up incredibly frustrated.”
Just thinking about this makes me feel frustrated – but it’s pretty common. Whether you finish, don’t finish, or sort of half get there, this one is largely dependent on how you feel about masturbation generally.
“It goes back to our waking life,” Burke says. “Some people feel like they shouldn’t be sexual, that sex is dirty and masturbation isn’t something they should do. If, in a dream, you can get sexual satisfaction, and you can’t orgasm in the day, this shows there isn’t a problem physically, and that it’s the person having a problem with their own sexuality that stops them having sexual pleasure.
“If the dream is troubling a person, I’d be interested in their waking attitude towards masturbation versus sex with another person. What’s going on with them could also have been passed down to them; they might not have any obvious issues, but were told growing up that it was bad or evil. That can sometimes be there. You think you’ve got one attitude, but there’s something older that you can’t see, that may still be lingering!”
"Last night I had a dream about shagging a fox, what does this mean?"
OK, now me. I couldn't resist asking Burke why I had sex with a fox in a dream back in 2014 (June, to be precise; I know this because my diary entry opened with, 'Last night I dreamt I fucked a fox, what's wrong with me'). Bearing in mind I don’t fancy animals.
“It could be that you always thought the creature was elegant and calm and you love that particular species,” she says, somewhat kindly. “You’ve taboo-ified something, because it has an important meaning for you. Don’t worry about it! You’re not going to have sex with an animal. So I’d step back and look at the animal: What does it mean to you? Did you have a pet once that was taken away from you and it signified the end of your childhood, and you found the transition really difficult? Having sex with that animal just means you want to go back to that time.”
I’ve never had a pet fox. I did really enjoy The Animals of Farthing Wood, though, and I do look back on ages 4 through to 10 as my golden years. And Fox and Vixen were my favourite characters by far (except the hedgehogs, but they got flattened by a lorry).
Burke adds: “Having sex with an animal in a dream might make you a bit concerned, when actually you just want to get as close as you possibly can to a time, or a place, so your brain sorts that out as sex. Your dream presents it, again, in a crude and attention-grabbing way, so it’s done its job!”
Right, well, there you go. We’ve all learned something today haven’t we?
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It’s a strange thing. No one seems quite sure just how many vegetarians and vegans there are in the UK, although the most recent research suggests that as many as 12% of UK adults could be eating this way. What is fact, though, is that veggie eating is getting mighty popular, with more and more of us looking for less meat and more vegetarian choices in our diet. And let’s not forget, a plant-based way of eating is not only good for our bodies but better for the environment, too.
Today is the start of National Vegetarian Week, so it's a great time to give greener eating a go. To help, we’ve got seven vegetarian recipe suggestions – one for each day of the week. They’re all very different but they all taste so good. Try one. Better still, try them all.
Monday
Chic Scandi couple, David Frenkiel and Luise Vindahl are a vibrant ad for a vegetarian lifestyle. Their sleekly stylish but friendly blog, Green Kitchen Stories, is brimming with innovative veggie and vegan recipes which all work deliciously. Start this week with their unusual muffin idea for a quick, fruit- and veggie-rich breakfast fix or snack on the go. And be sure to grab their latest book, Green Kitchen at Home (Hardie Grant, £25).
Wet ingredients 3 free-range eggs 160 ml plain unsweetened yoghurt 120 ml extra virgin olive oil 1 tbsp good quality honey 1 tbsp wholegrain dijon mustard 2 tsp organic unfiltered apple cider vinegar pumpkin seeds
Instructions
1. Preheat the oven to 200°C, grease a large 12-hole muffin tin or two smaller 6-hole ones and line with parchment paper or paper cup liners. Alternatively, use a silicone muffin tin. 2. Wash and finely chop the leek, trim and finely chop the broccoli stalk and roughly chop the florets. Heat the oil for the filling in a frying pan on a medium heat. Add the leek and broccoli stalk and sauté for 5 minutes. Add the broccoli florets, along with the garlic, thyme and salt and pepper and sauté for a further 5 minutes. Lastly, add the apple along with the spinach and sauté until the other vegetables have softened, the apple is tender and the spinach has wilted. Stir occasionally, to prevent the vegetables and apple from burning. Remove from the heat and set aside while you prepare the dry ingredients. 3. Put all of the dry ingredients in a food processor and blend on a high speed until well combined and the oats resemble coarse flour. Transfer to a large bowl, make a well in the centre and set aside while you prepare the wet ingredients. 4. Crack the eggs, add them to the food processor along with the rest of the wet ingredients and blend on a high speed until well combined. Pour the wet ingredients into the well of the dry ingredients and, using a spatula, start folding the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients. Add the broccoli, spinach and apple filling and gently fold until just combined, making sure not to over-mix as this will make the muffins tough. 5. Divide the batter evenly between the cups of the muffin tin, sprinkle with some pumpkin seeds and bake for about 20 minutes or until golden and a skewer inserted in the centre of one of the muffins comes out clean. Turn the tin around halfway through the cooking time to ensure that the muffins bake evenly. 6. Remove the muffins from the oven and set aside to cool slightly in the tin before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely or devouring them while still warm
Photo: Courtesy of Green Kitchen At Home.
Tuesday
OK, onto a tasty lunch idea. This fresh, zingy soup is just the thing for a speedy meal. The bright green flavours in this dish are infused with warm Indian spices, coconut and lime. "It’s flexible too," says recipe creator Lucy Parissi, of Supergolden bakes. "You could try using Asian style spices instead or change up the vegetables – as long as they’re green."
For the soup 1-2 tbsp coconut oil or vegetable oil 1 tsp mild curry powder 1/2 tsp ground cumin 1/2 tsp ground turmeric 1 large leek, topped and tailed, finely diced 1 medium potato, such as Maris Piper, peeled and cubed 1 large courgette, cubed 1 green chilli, deseeded and finely diced 240ml hot vegetable stock (I used a Kallo cube) 400g can light coconut milk 100-200g fresh spinach salt and pepper to season
For the croutons 4 slices stale ciabatta, cubed 1-2 tbsp olive oil 1/2 tsp garlic granules 1/2 tsp dried herbs (I used Herbes de Provence) handful crisp spinach leaves to garnish
Instructions
1. Toss the bread cubes in the garlic granules and herbs. Heat the olive oil in a non-stick pan and then fry the bread cubes, stirring often, until crunchy and a little coloured. Set aside. 2. Heat the coconut oil in large pot. Add the spices and stir for a minute. 3. Add the leek, potato, courgette and chilli and stir to coat in the spices. Season well with salt and pepper, cover the pot and sweat the vegetables over low heat for five minutes. 4. Add the vegetable stock and coconut milk and cook for another 10 minutes or until the potato is fork tender. 5. Add the spinach and stir. Cook for another 2-3 minutes. 6. Carefully transfer the soup to a blender, make sure the lid is secure and blend until completely smooth. You may need to do this in batches. 7. Serve the soup topped with the croutons and a handful crisp spinach leaves.
Photo: Courtesy of Super Golden Bakes.
Wednesday
This midweek meal idea nods to the tirelessly excellent Vegetarian Society. There are recipes aplenty to be found on their website, which also provides a stack of information on greener eating, should you be considering it. If nothing else, try their simple classic bean burger. It’s tasty and quick and easy to make.
1. Drain, rinse then mash the kidney beans. 2. Mix together the beans, tomatoes, garlic and herbs in a large bowl. 3. Add the breadcrumbs and semolina. Mix well. 4. Add soy sauce and lemon juice. If necessary add a tablespoon of water to increase moisture (but don’t be tempted to add any more!). 5. Shape into burgers. 6. Gently fry the burgers in the vegetable oil until golden brown, approximately 10-15 minutes. 7. Serve on lightly toasted buns with a salad and relish.
Photo: Courtesy of Vegetarian Society.
Thursday
Sarah Britton is another glowing example of what plant-based, whole food eating can bring to your life. Check out her inspiring "One Change" TEDx talk (you’ll also learn just how simple it is to make delicious almond milk!). The holistic nutritionist and talented veggie chef is passionate about sharing her knowledge and recipes – this lovely dish includes a how-to-make dukkah, if you're that way inclined. Store-bought is an acceptable hack if you’re time-poor, though.
4 ripe peaches (organic if possible) 1 block halloumi cheese To garnish: fresh mint, lemon, olive oil, honey or maple syrup
Instructions
1. Wash and cut peaches into eighths, removing the pit. 2. Slice the halloumi into 1 inch cubes. 3. Skewer the peaches and cubes of halloumi. 4. On a medium-hot grill, cook the skewers on one side until the peaches have charred just slightly and the cheese has browned in places, then flip the skewer and cook until the other side is done (about 2-3 minutes per side, depending on the heat of your grill). 5. Remove the skewers from the grill and place on a serving platter. Drizzle the skewers with honey, a little olive oil, a handful of chopped fresh mint leaves and a good douse of dukkah. Serve immediately.
Friday
Tofu is a much-maligned vegetarian ingredient. No complete surprise, as it is often badly treated in the kitchen. Prepare it the right way, though, and it can be really tasty. This Thai-inspired recipe includes a technique to make your tofu wonderfully crispy.
Indian cuisine works brilliantly for veggies and no one knows that better than resourceful cook and food writer Meera Sodha, Her family originally come from Gujarat, where the majority of the population have been vegetarians since 269BC. Meera, who was born in the UK, has looked to her veggie heritage in her latest book Fresh India (Penguin Fig Tree, £20), which is bursting with bold, vibrant and innovative takes on some classic Indian dishes including this colourful, potato-rich recipe.
400g rainbow or Swiss chard 3 tbsp rapeseed oil 1 tsp black mustard seeds 2 medium brown onions, sliced 600g Desiree potatoes 3cm ginger, peeled and grated 4 cloves of garlic, crushed 400g ripe tomatoes, cut into wedges 1 1/2 tsp chilli powder 1/2 tsp ground cumin 1/2 tsp ground coriander 1 1/4 tsp salt
Instructions
1. To prepare the chard, cut the stems from the leaves. Cut the stems into 4cm pieces and slice the leaves into 4cm strips. 2. Put the oil into a large lidded frying pan and, when hot, add the mustard seeds. When they pop, add the onions and cook for 12 to 15 minutes, until soft and golden brown. In the meantime, peel the potatoes and cut into 2cm cubes. When the onions are ready, add the ginger and garlic to the pan and cook for a couple of minutes, then add the potatoes and 200ml of water. Cover and cook for 10 minutes. 3. Add the tomatoes and the chard stalks, cover and cook for a further 5 minutes, or until the chard stalks are soft. Add the chilli, cumin, coriander, turmeric and salt and stir gently. Finally, add the chard leaves, coat with the mixture and pop the lid back on for a final 2 to 3 minutes, until the leaves have wilted. 4. Serve with hot chapattis or rice, yoghurt and a little pickle.
Photo: Courtesy of Meera Sodha.
Sunday
Australian food editor, stylist and bestselling author, Donna Hay knows all there is to know about simple, beautiful-to-look-at, delicious eating. And she clearly puts a lot of thought into her vegetarian-friendly fare. Here, cauliflower is paired with fennel, smoked almonds and lemon to produce an exquisite, roasted salad sensation. It. Tastes. Amazing. Great for sharing, and leftovers (if there are any) are perfect for lunch the next day.
2 medium bulbs fennel, trimmed and cut into wedges 1 small cauliflower, trimmed, leaves attached, cut into wedges 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil sea salt and cracked black pepper 6 sprigs lemon thyme 40g chervil leaves 100g baby sorrel leaves 40g smoked almonds, chopped, to serve
For the dressing 1/4 preserved lemon (flesh discarded), rinsed and chopped 1 clove garlic 30g ground almonds 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil 1 tsp honey 125ml water
Instructions
1. Preheat oven to 220°C (425°F). Place the fennel, cauliflower, oil, salt, pepper and thyme on a large oven tray and toss to combine. Cook, turning halfway, for 15 minutes or until tender and golden. 2. While the vegetables are cooking, make the preserved lemon and almond dressing. Place the lemon, garlic, ground almonds, oil and honey in a food processor and process until smooth. Add the water and process to combine. Set aside. 3. Divide the fennel, cauliflower, chervil and sorrel between plates. Sprinkle with the almond, drizzle with the dressing and sprinkle with pepper to serve.
Photo: Courtesy of Donna Hay.
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