There’s actually something horrible about having too clean or nice a flat – something quite fundamentally saddening about perfectly arranged bedrooms with cushions ordered by size.
Messiness is often more than laziness; it’s the result of being very busy or very hungover, meaning that, if your room is messy, your life is probably quite fun.
But. Being tidy can be important for several reasons. Over time you will come to be repulsed by the damp, musty smell of your carpet which you haven’t hoovered for… ever? (though you do routinely knock a full glass of water over). Then, one winter's morning, after a fitful sleep, you will wake up to realise you need a third duvet to keep you company and, while searching for one in the bags shoved under your bed, you will unearth an array of several ex-partners’ unwashed clothing that you held on to for “the comforting smell”. You will momentarily feel like a serial killer, a horror compounded by the hair and dust now stuck to your tights from crouching on the floor.
Your life is a mess, and your room is just as bad. Time to get a grip. Manically tidy and arrange your flat to block out the rising hysterical panic in your chest and make you feel like you're in control of your life. Here are some quick fixes to help make your flat seem like you have it all in order.
Bed-making
Amazingly, you don’t even have to pay for everything that’s going to make your life better. One immediate way of de-cluttering is to swiftly and briskly make your bed. Do it while frowning to feel even more grown-up. I never, ever make my bed but apparently some people always do. I’m going to try it, because its current state (three duvets, five pillows, un-made) is possibly, probably what’s stopping other people from wanting to sleep in it.
Candles
Candles are fucked. Scented candles are for bored people who love to be “cosy” and wear adult-sized children’s pyjamas. Candles are the cupcakes of the Vlogging world, after cupcakes. Nevertheless, I love candles and have them in every room of my flat. When I’m hungover I like to burn an organic cinnamon candle, put on a silk nightdress and lie in bed wondering if my parents will ever be proud of me. It adds a calming veneer of “cosiness” to my bourgeois sham of a life. Join me!
Frames
The days of concert tickets blue-tacked to your walls are over, no one cares that you saw The Hives in Hyde Park in 2007 and no one considering hooking up with you is going to be finally persuaded by the fact you went to the National Theatre twice in 2013. Frames are a great way of translating “stuff I tacked to my walls when I moved in because it was so bleak in here” into “art that I love”. Get frames from IKEA. Also while you’re at IKEA get many, many plain white altar candles because they’re cheap and classy. Like us!
Parmesan
A big part of leading a nice life is the ability to come home late and whip up a meal which does not consist of two fish fingers, a side of tinned tomatoes and a kind of gherkin and mayonnaise dip (disclaimer: I have never actually made this, it might be delicious). One way to ensure you can always tuck into something Jamie Oliver would approve of is to stock up on hard cheese and pasta. Things like aioli (google it because cba to explain), carbonara (without the bacon) and risotto are delicious and require few-to-no perishable ingredients. On payday, buy yourself a large chunk of Parmesan and a few bottles of cheap wine and, seriously, stop ordering Dominoes – it tastes awful.
Hide your detritus
You are an adult, meaning no one thinks it’s cool that you smoke or get high anymore. Stop leaving your lighters, bongs and cigarette chips lying around by the TV and put them in a box instead. Also, buy Febreze because your house either stinks of fags, damp or an unemptied bin.
Room spray
A great way to distract yourself from the ills of the world is to immerse yourself in an atmosphere of denial and comfort. Try a room spray. You can get a posh one from somewhere like Diptyque if you know for a fact that you enjoy smells, or alternatively you can get a cheaper one if you think you might like smells but aren’t sure. If you put a room spray in your toilet that smell will remind you of a toilet forever so don’t do it with your mum’s perfume.
Get a plant
If in doubt, just go for a plant. Plants are for people who take pride in their homes and are able to keep living things alive, like us! Plants also make horrible rooms look 50 percent less horrible. Get an enormous plant, name it, talk to it and take selfies with it. It’s like having House of Hackney wallpaper without having to fork out £148 for every couple of meters.
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