It's easy to tell people to ask for more: Demand what you deserve. Push until the other person gives you what you are due.
And there is wisdom in some of that — you rarely get what you don't ask for. But in practical terms, it's incredibly difficult to do. I don't see myself as a natural negotiator or someone who can comfortably push others until they bend. In my mind, a great negotiator is something of a bully. A strong person who intimidates and shoves their way into a "yes" is the person who excels in these scenarios. Since I'm not that person, I assume I'm at a natural disadvantage.
So, when I heard about Chris Voss, the former lead hostage negotiator for the FBI, who had a method that challenged all of my stereotypes about what "good negotiation" looked like, I suspected there might be a different path forward for me. Voss' book, Never Split The Difference, is a manual for getting your way through empathy rather than aggression.
I invited Voss to R29 to speak to the team about his negotiation tactics, and he shared that in the seminars he teaches, women almost always take to his method faster and better than men do. His theory about why: "Women are socialised — quote socialised — to be a little more emotional-intelligence aware, and also to lean a little more towards sympathy. And it’s a shorter step to empathy from sympathy if you’ve already got a little bit of a grounding in emotional intelligence than if you haven’t."
There are some generalisations underlying that idea, but it certainly ran true to my own experience. So, I asked Voss to break down the 10 easiest way for anyone to put his method to work. Some of what he suggests seems counterintuitive — and some of it, like the mirror technique, is surprisingly difficult to get right at first — but having seen it all in action now, I'm eager to master this method. It's likely not a fit for every personality, but it appeals to mine. And even if the whole method doesn't work for you, his controversial approach to saying sorry and his idea about seeking out a "no" rather than a "yes" are universally interesting — and certainly worth considering.
Calm Your Mind
The first issue to address is that pre-negotiation rising heart rate coupled with gut-twisting fear. To conquer it, Voss says, "Simply say to yourself as the negative possibilities crash through your mind: 'That’s a possibility.' It’s a simple recognition that causes the brain to interact with itself in a way that puts you back in control."
Voss tells a story of coaching a man in the Philippines through a negotiation with a kidnapper, to save his brother's life — a high-stress situation if ever there were one. He says, this man "knew his brother might not come out alive and it could well be beyond his control. He simply recognised that was a possibility — and he performed like a star. He saved his brother’s life. Not knowing at the time how he had been able to perform so well under pressure, I asked him about it later. He told me, 'I just said to myself, That’s a possibility, when I got scared that my brother might not come back to us. It calmed me down.'”
Check Your Listening Skills
Paraphrase/summarise what your conversation partner has said to you until they say “that’s right” ( not “you’re right”).
Stephen Covey’s guidance (from “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”) was: “Seek first to understand, then be understood”. Mr. Covey should have been a hostage negotiator.
How do we do it though… and why?
We do it by getting the other person to say “that’s right.” NOT “you’re right”.
“That’s right” is what someone says when they feel completely understood. “You’re right” is what we say to people we still like to get them to stop talking and go away. “That’s right” is their confirmation they feel empathy from you.
So, summarise the situation from their perspective and how they feel about it. Especially if we don’t like how they feel about it. Then go silent (Voss calls this an effective pause). Let them say “that’s right” and let empathy take its course.
Handle The “Yes” Trap
We all know “yes” is used to trap us; it’s every salesman’s routine. Get someone to say 3 little “yeses” (“confirmation yes”) then spring the trap with the big one (“COMMITMENT YES”). It’s also referred to as the “Yes Momentum,” “Momentum Selling,” and “Mere Agreement”.
Our pursuer is convinced if they can just get us saying “yes” we will be hypnotised / trapped / tied down and give them what they want. It’s one of the reasons that there are actually 3 kinds of “yes”: commitment, confirmation and counterfeit.
And “counterfeit yes” is the most frequent imposter of “commitment yes.” It might be in a tie for first place with “you’re right” as the most common form of false agreement.
To avoid the "yes" trap, try handling the conversation like this:
Respond: “If the answer is ‘yes’ - where is this going?”
As always, a polite, gentle tone of voice is how you deliver your words to your listener.
Understand The Value Of “No”
“No” is protection. “Yes” is commitment. “No” instantly makes people feel safe while “yes” creates hesitation. It makes people worry about what they might be committing themselves to.
Your “yes-oriented” questions (“Do you…? Would you…?”) can simply be flipped by changing the beginning to something like:
“Is it ridiculous…..?”
“Would it be horrible…?”
“Is it a bad idea….?”
“Have you given up on…?”
“Have you given up on this project?” is the 1-line email that is solid gold. (Make sure you’re ready for a quick answer!)
“Is it ridiculous for you to come speak at the negotiation course I teach at USC?” got Jack Welch to stop dead in his tracks and give me his personal assistant’s contact information so we could try to make the calendars sync up.
“Would it be horrible if we sat in this section?” is the question I asked a waitress when members of our group were trying to get into a roped-off section of a restaurant. We’d just come out of a conference and only wanted a Happy Hour drink and all the seating was gone. She said: “Not as long as you’re out of here by 6.”
“Is it a bad idea….? was used by a negotiator to reword an option a counterpart had been resisting. “No it wouldn’t be” – and the deal was made.
Put An End To Yelling & Shouting
“I can’t hear you when you yell at me.”
These were the words of a hostage negotiator talking to a hostage taker on the phone during a prison siege. After it was repeated in a calm fashion 3 times, the hostage taker stopped yelling.
Anger is a power tool. It’s often a tool a manipulation and dominance. It’s meant to make you listen. But what happens when the user feels it’s backfiring? They stop to rethink.
This works with interrupters as well. “I can’t hear you when you’re interrupting me.”
These are forms of an “I” message – the principal tool for setting boundaries against bad behaviour. Therapists, psychologists and hostage negotiators all use “I” messages in various form to limit unproductive and manipulative verbal conduct.
The calm, even soothing tone of voice is an essential element. Calm is contagious. It displays poise and confidence.
Turn The Mirror On Bluffers
How do we uncover bluffing, protect ourselves, and not cause anyone to lose face?
A “mirror” is repeating the last 1-3 words the counterpart has just said. Repeat word-for-word as a question. This means your voice needs to inflect up as if you’re asking a question.
This is not mirroring the counterpart’s demeanour or tone of voice. It is repeating the exact 1-3 selected words, with a genuine questioning tone of voice, word-for-word. Then go silent. (Don’t ask “Have I got that right?”)
The Jedi mind trick here is that people will reword what they’ve just said. You’re just encouraged them to go on and you’ve done it in a way that begins to subtly shift their approach (favourably) to you. Their rewording and delivery will give you what you need to know: When they are just bluffing, they will soften their stance with both rewording and lengthening (the Pinocchio Effect).
If it’s not a bluff, they’ll be concise.
Full disclosure: The first few times you do this you’ll feel awkward!
Don't Be Afraid Of "Sorry"
“I’m sorry. That doesn’t work for me. I want us to succeed.”
“I’m sorry” is a phrase that women are often criticised for using too much. There's nothing wrong with it. It's a matter of sequencing. Its strategic intention is to soften the delivery of bad news, or to be nurturing. It’s just a matter of timing. The most effective way to use it is at the beginning of a statement.
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I want us to succeed.”
“I’m sorry, that doesn’t work for me. I want us to succeed.”
The best way to deliver bad news is to give the receiver a slight moment to brace themselves and then deliver it. Then, make a statement that shows a continuing regard for the relationship yet doesn’t commit you to anything other than being willing to work collaboratively.
Embrace—& Appreciate—The Grey Area
We love “yes” so much – and fear “no” so much – that we are often a hostage to both. The real negotiation is in the space between “yes” and “no.” And it’s not antagonistic to explore it.
The way to do that is to respectfully clarify and ask for context using a "label." A label begins with the words “It seems like….” “It sounds like…” “It looks like…” “It feels like…”.
There an intentional simplicity to the word choice. The label is designed to be an observation, not an accusation. It’s also designed to provoke a thoughtful response from your counterpart. (It’s not: “What I’m hearing is…”). Here are some examples:
“It feels like you got a real vision for this.”
“It seems like you know where you want this to go.”
“It sounds like I may be answering without having all the relevant facts you have.”
“It looks like there’s more here than meets the eye.”
Know How Far To Push
“How am I supposed to do that?”
This phrase, said gently and respectfully, may be one of the single most effective ways to find out how far to push. The secret to gaining the upper the upper hand in a negotiation is giving the other side the illusion of control. This is one of the key phrases that does that.
It works for two reasons: For one, people love to be asked almost any how questions. It gives them the opportunity to impart their “wisdom.” Secondly, the design of this phrase actually makes them take a good look (maybe even “fair-minded”) at your situation to see your challenges. It’s a form of inducing empathy into the situation to your advantage.
The vast majority of the time, if they can offer you a concession or other alternative, they will introduce it here.
If they can’t they will respond with something close to “If you want an agreement, you’ll do it.” If they haven’t said this yet, continue to reintroduce this phrase until they do.
Then, you’ve actually reached you goal because you’ve pushed as far as possible and you’re still talking. No one has gotten mad and stormed off.
Try The “Oprah” Rule
People don’t tend to remember things as they happened. Rather, they remember the most intense moment and how it ended. This means that the last impression is the lasting one. It's even more important than first impressions.
Cindy Mori, Oprah Winfrey’s booking producer of over 17 years, says a cardinal rule of the show was to always make sure every guest left feeling happy, valued, and respected. When people take parting shots, or have to have the last word (negative) after someone else has had their last word (negative), it seeds the next conversation with negativity.
As a hostage negotiator, I’d been involved with several major sieges where we completely turned a negative dynamic around by making sure we ended each conversation on a positive note. For great long-term relationships, like Oprah (and Cindy Mori), end positively.
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