We all have that friend who has been single seemingly forever. Well, for the past seven years, I have been that friend. And for the most part I have no problem with it – but it seems like everyone else does. Sometimes I feel like a disease people are scared to catch. “So anyone on the horizon?” they ask from a safe distance, with a slight tilt of the head and a grimace of hope. “No” I'll say. What follows is always a look of concern, before you see them mentally calculating all the things they want to ask or say but are not brave enough to. Some broach the obvious question – sex – but generally they move the conversation on. However, when I did a shout out on Twitter, it turned out that some people's friends really don’t hold back. So here are the answers to all the questions and statements you want to throw at us.
"What about sex?"
Yes, we still have it. Not always as often as we would like but it is available, even to the contagiously single. People like sex, they like having sex with other people and they like having sex with new people. So there is always someone to be having sex with. However, may I take this moment to warn you that if you meet a European version of Ryan Gosling and think, “Well this is too good to be true”, it probably is too good to be true. Tread carefully.
"Don’t you feel lonely?"
I’ll be honest, sometimes the chance to feel lonely would be a fine thing, but I live in London. However, I have never felt lonelier than I did lying next to my ex-boyfriend when he was pulling away. Because when your partner doesn’t understand you or cannot give you what you need, that’s about as lonely as you can feel. Hilda Burke, an integrative psychotherapist, couples counsellor and life coach, explained that a client of hers going through a break-up recounted how her single friends consoled her by pointing out how unhappy she had seemed, while her coupled-up friends were curious to see if the relationship couldn’t be patched up. “I think what’s going on here is a very human drive to validate our own choices by getting the people who are close to us to make the same or similar ones.” So lonely is as lonely does…
"Someone will come along…"
“Don’t worry, there is someone out there for everyone and when the time is right you will meet them. So don’t look for it, let it happen.” That was the advice offered to my friend Siobhán, who had simply replied “No” to the question “Are you seeing anyone?” Let me tell you, Prince Charming turns up a lot. But charming is generally for the night, not for life. This is why about 80% of the people who come our way are dismissed fairly quickly, 10% might get moved into friendship vibes, 7% get to share our bed and 3% might actually be the people we would date. It’s not that people don’t come our way, it’s that we don’t feel the need to take anyone on unless they will genuinely add something to a life we think is already pretty incredible.
"I have this friend…"
My friend Kris is the main culprit of the “I have this friend” statement. And I love Kris, but our taste barometers are not exactly similar. Now if your friend is or looks like Jared Leto then sure, introduce us. But, generally, I don’t care to meet your single friend in some cringey attempt to “solve” the “single problem" with two birds and one stone. If we happen to meet totally naturally at one of your events, then I’m sure we’ll be drawn to each other if we're supposed to be.
"You should try Tinder."
Why? Please, honestly, someone tell me why I have to do this? My understanding of Tinder is that either you engage in a bit of light banter with a man who consistently keeps you interested but never asks you out, or you get unsolicited dick pics, or you go on one bad date and have sex before never speaking to them again. I know it's different for everyone, and some people love using the app, but you don’t need an app to have sex. And as Lorna shared with me, the minute you start using internet dating, the question from coupled-up friends goes from “You should get out there, have you tried internet dating?” to “But why are you still single?” So you really can’t win this one.
"Is it because you have trust issues?"
God yes! Holy crap, doesn’t everyone? But is that a bad thing? In my last, very bruising relationship, I chose to love unconditionally and it was quite simply the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever done. Love isn’t and shouldn’t be unconditional, except when it’s a parent to a child. Maxine, who has been in therapy for the past two years, admitted, “When I started long-term therapy I did partly think, 'Will getting all this stuff out lead me to meet someone I can actually have a decent healthy relationship with?' But nearly two years down the line, it's just made me more and more of the mind that giving meaning to my life is more about meeting a range of people and making a positive difference in the world than finding The One.”
My friend has been single forever too…
Well thank GOD for that! It’s not just me, then? I had been so worried thinking I was the only single person in the world and wondering what that meant. I came to the conclusion that it obviously made me a total loser. But losers don’t like company, amirite? So if there’s one more of me then I am normal after all. Thank you, no seriously, thank you so much for letting me know. Now quick, run and tell your friend about me because I promise they are sitting at home, right now, worried sick that there are literally no other single people on the planet. Quick! Hurry! Save them!
"What about (drum roll please) BABIES?"
Many things have to come together for children to be born and, assuming you’ve met the person with whom you want to have children within the frankly small window of time in which you are both ready and able to have children, then inside your womb there is literally an army of sperm-hating cells waiting to kill off any chance of a baby. If a sperm gets through to your egg and then you’re lucky to carry that baby to term, you will soon discover that if you didn’t pick your partner wisely, it’s relentless. But if you haven’t met that person in time then science can help, as Lorna from Kent points out: “I kind of pre-empted all of these questions from my friends by stating a few years ago that I would go to a sperm donation clinic if a partner hadn’t materialised by a certain age. It was actually received with a surprisingly positive response. Except I’m now shitting myself because said age is rapidly approaching and I hadn’t really anticipated it could be a reality. I might bottle it.”
"Wow…there must be something really wrong with you."
There is, I'm picky! As a writer called Molly Lynch demonstrated beautifully when she got in touch over email: “I want a broad-shouldered, strong-jawed, football-loving northern gobshite with the swagger of Cool Britannia-era Liam Gallagher, the sartorial elegance of Yves Saint Laurent, the poetic sensitivity of Morrissey and the raw sexual magnetism of George Best in his shagging prime. A man who is political yet never preachy, unpredictable yet dependable, and confident yet never arrogant. I want a lad who takes the bins out not because they're boys' jobs but because he knows bin juice makes me frigging gag.” So if you know that man then, please, for the love of all things happy-ever-after, can you get in touch with Molly? And on that note, I’m off to buy another cat…
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