Porn is great, both to watch with partners and on your own for inspiration, but sex on TV can teach us as much – if not more – about sex than porn.
As well as the nitty-gritty – the how to, where to and why to – sex on TV also serves as a method of normalising those things women might be too scared to speak up about. How do we know that masturbation is something we're all doing when some of your friends are still too scared to talk about it openly? Because everyone on TV is at it. Which means that, like the characters their shows portray, so most likely are the show's creators, their friends, their partners. And hey, if it's happening on TV, it's a lot easier to talk about IRL, too. Case in point: Fleabag episode 1.
So, from the simple tips to more complex lessons about relationships, here's what I learned about sex from TV...
The importance of angles, positioning and style
While I would love to be body positive at all times, I'd be lying if I said I've never worried about what I look like in certain sex positions. From the width of my bum in doggy to the exact wobble of my boobs when I go on top, these things vexed me in the same way they vex any woman who's grown up in a society that tells her she should be neat and perfect and un-wobbly at all times.
The first lesson I learned from TV sex was the importance of angles and positioning. Worried about wobbling when you're on top? Place both hands on your head and play with your hair. Think you look weird in doggy? There's a reason TV shows have lighting directors – you can choose your lighting carefully to make sure you feel as sexy as you absolutely look. Feel sexier clothed than naked? There's no shame in that – check out the eye-wateringly hot lingerie on Mad Men and invest in some killer camisoles.
The actual 'how-to' of it all
There's something far more helpful and practical about watching actors on TV get into unusual positions – reverse cowgirl, against-a-wall, etc. – than seeing the simple illustrations in magazines. For example, it's easy for an advice columnist to suggest sex in the bath – far more difficult to actually do it, until you've seen the Game of Thrones scene with Viserys and Doreah, and realised that 'on top and very slowly' is the way to go. And you'll probably need a bigger bath.
But these lessons are simple, and ultimately cheap ones. Where TV box sets really add depth is when you consider the way sex drives the overall plot...
The importance of partnership
At the end of a hard day's machinations, Frank and Claire Underwood share a cigarette. There is so much sexual tension and relationship power wrapped up in this simple exchange. It symbolises taboos – the fact that when they're with each other behind closed doors they can break rules they'd never break in public. It demonstrates the give-and-take nature of their early relationship: one person taking their share, then passing the baton to the next. And above all it's personal in a way porn often isn't. So thanks to House of Cards for teaching me about intimacy.
Sex doesn't have to be about love
When I was very young, sex on TV was the climax of a series of dates. An expression of love between two (usually straight) people. Now, TV shows build much richer worlds and as a result, relationships are far more interesting. From the passionate hatefucks of Nancy Botwin in Weeds to the intense and almost indescribable friendship between Jimmy McGill and Kim Wexler in Better Call Saul, TV taught me that sex doesn't have to be all about romantic love. Hell, it doesn't even have to be about two people: just look at the incredible Westworld orgy for some hedonistic pleasure portrayal. That's a much more interesting lesson than the 'two people who love each other very much' storyline I was fed during sex ed.
Masturbation isn't taboo
Seeing people have sex out of boredom, horniness, nostalgia and myriad other reasons teaches us that we can do that, too. Solo sex is not only allowed, it happens all the time! On Girls, we were even treated to a scene where Marnie ran into the toilet to quickly masturbate because she was simply too horny to resist. TV taught me it was OK to enjoy my body without feeling like there had to be a deeper purpose to it.
Get inspired by Mad Men 's Betty Draper enjoying the spin cycle on her washing machine.
Women have power
When I was young, the TV show that would give me the funny flutters in my stomach was Moll Flanders. For those born a little after me, The Fortunes and Misfortunes of Moll Flanders starred the exceptional Alex Kingston as Moll (and also a very early Daniel Craig in britches). We followed her as she stole, cajoled, persuaded and fucked her way through 18th-century life. It was a far cry from love stories that positioned women as passive objects: Moll was the first TV character to show me that women could be the agents of their own destiny. Women could have hopes, dreams and ambitions as well as powerful sexuality.
Today, shows like Harlots take this message to the next level. Based on real stories, Harlots centres on the experiences of sex workers in the 18th century. Like the Moll Flanders I fell in love with as a youngster, the women in the show aren't just passive recipients of male attention. The women in Harlots sell sex and have power. They don't just giggle and flirt: they scheme and plot.
And yes, it's a show about sex work, so it includes plenty of hot scenes – the kind where you can pick up ideas and inspiration to take back to the bedroom later. But TV shows like these two have lessons for outside the bedroom as well as in it. Women don't just sit on the sofa, passively watching a world that men have created. We have power: we drive the plot.
Harlots: Series 1 is out on DVD and Digital Download now
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