Those first date red flags; a stifled burp, an under the table text, a semi-audible intake of breath as the bill is placed between you. We’ve all experienced those split-second signals that approach like enemy crafts, flashing up on our submarine radars; we see them coming, we wonder if they’ll ever take true form on the horizon and when they do, and we're suddenly being fed lies by a 'pirate' about a "misplaced bankcard" it's too late – we've either gone down with the ship or else we walk the plank and pay the bill before bidding adieu forever.
Here, in no particular order of importance, are all the unacceptable first date no no's, that, if identified, mean you should pop your life jacket on, close your eyes, fire a flare, hold tight and wait for help (or-alternatively text your best mate and ask her to make that pre-arranged "emergency" phone call). Worse things do not happen at sea.
Talking about your ex
Ok, guys, this is a text book dating rookie error. You’re not paying us to be here, and last time we checked we didn’t have a masters in psychology or, for that matter, an interest in near-strangers' past-lovers. So, stop treating us like your shrink. If you’re still talking about your ex, you’re not ready to go on dates.
Don't be a catfish
Why shoot yourself in the foot before you’ve even arrived at said agreed time and locale? If your profile pictures look like there’s more CGI involved than a James Cameron film, maybe chill out on Face Tune. We’ve all seen Catfish, we all know what happens. Better just give us the whole honest truth and let us be pleasantly surprised rather than palpably disappointed.
Outing yourself as an Instagram stalker
‘You’ve been to Greece though, right?’ Let us stop you right there. If you even hint at more than a causal skim of our Instagram we’ll mentally exit stage left. Yes, we’ve probably been at least 108 weeks deep in your feed but with the deft elegance of a bomb disposal expert – and we expect the same discretion from you, thank you.
Having a tight itinerary that we have to stick to
If we wanted to be harried from one activity to the next we’d have arranged a day of sight-seeing with our parents. Less is more – crazy-golf, the cinema and dinner sounds cute on paper, but honestly a few drinks will suffice for the first date. Never, ever, tap the face of your watch and suggest we "finish up"…
Texting
You’re not a fifteen-year-old girl at a boarding school so your mobile device is not an extension of your very flesh. And, no, face down on the table still counts as too much phone.
Texting straight after the date, you eager beaver
We all know that these are the unsaid rules of first dates. A follow up text the next day = sexy and polite. A text before we’ve got on the bus = Making A Murderer vibes. Too thirsty. Thirsty as hell. Retreat.
Breaking down the bill
Anybody who inspects a bill and starts a sentence with the following words: "Okay so you had the fish and that was £11.99" must be identified and removed from the building. We don't expect you to pay for every last thing we consume, of course, but we can't just split things in a cool, casual way... not divvy up the bill right down to the last penny?
Not drinking
Dry January partakers should be on a strict ban from dating (socialising, talking and being) until February the 1st at 8pm at which time you may resume normal life. Unless for you alcohol is a problem, we’ll expect you too be getting suitably merry with us too. That’s the whole point, isn't it?
Talking with your mouth full
Just, please. Manners maketh the person.
Talking about yourself... a lot
This is something that tends to happens when people are nervous but that's no excuse, and ranks second in our black book of misdemeanours, second only to asking absolutely no questions whatsoever. If you look up "conversation" in the Oxford Dictionary you will find that it reads: "A talk, especially an informal one, between two or more people, in which news and ideas are exchanged." Never forget.
Innuendos
They’re just so David Brent it hurts and are a veritable wax stamp on your rejection letter from us. Thing is, we're more than likely going to take your weak hints at your own sexual prowess as a sure sign of bravado and we'll assume you're lacking in the bedroom department as a result.
Wearing bootcut jeans or square toe shoes
If you want a cat’s chance, see the above, and that also includes; sunglasses indoors, stetsons and deep-v t-shirts. That is the last time we'll say it.
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
Obsessed With Sexual Piercings? You’re Not Alone
11 Stories That Will Make You Believe In Love Again
These Vibrating Underwear Are Basically A Party In Your Pants