If the festive season brings you anger instead of joy, you’re not alone. According to experts, Christmas is one of the most stressful times of the year, during which people tend to overextend themselves in every way.
“It’s a highly stressful time and it’s driven by thoughts of ‘I want everything to be perfect’, ‘I have to get everything done to please others, to please my family and make sure everything is right’”, explains clinical psychologist Helen Nightingale. “These thoughts are the ones that usually trigger the emotions of anger” she adds.
“Post-Christmas, our phones go crazy because people want to immediately put themselves through anger management programmes or are desperate for help or support” says Mike Fisher, director of the British Association of Anger Management (BAAM).
With 18 years' experience working with over 25,000 people across schools, organisations, family and individual programmes, Fisher first launched Anger Awareness Week over 12 years ago. The campaign, running between 1 and 7 December, aims to prepare people for the holiday season, promoting a ‘Keep Your Cool ’ kit packed with practical tips and insights.
“The challenge is to not take things personally, even if they are personal. This is the biggest challenge, not only at Christmas, but for people with anger management issues” Fisher says.
Ahead of the stressful, jolly times awaiting us, we asked him and Nightingale to tell us how to keep the festive frenzy in check. Click through and read what both experts have to say.
Gain Perspective
“Stop, think and take a look at the bigger picture.” This is the first rule for beating anger, according to Mike Fisher. “You may start thinking about how this time of the year affects you, but also the people around you” he adds.
Realising and acknowledging that others are probably going through a stressful time themselves, that they may be feeling exhausted and irritable, is often helpful.
Dr Nightingale agrees that a more empathetic attitude is key, and suggests allowing space for kinder and more loving thinking. “Being generous [in spirit], being kind and understanding to other people, that sort of thinking pattern disappears when you’re angry” she points out.
Angry thoughts drive angry responses and result in angry behaviours, Nightingale explains. “Ask yourself: Is there another way to look at this? Is there another way I could make my thoughts more helpful to me?”
Fight Perfectionism
“Try to have a nice day, not a perfect day” Nightingale urges. It is hard to adjust expectations, particularly when the advertising industry is selling the idea that everything has to be impeccable – the tree, the turkey, the gifts, the outfits, the table – but none of that is really important.
“You might buy the most beautiful turkey and get distracted and the turkey gets overcooked. You're like: ‘Oh my God! My beautiful turkey, which was perfect, is now burnt, so the whole day is ruined!’” Nightingale says.
But don’t let one mishap colour the rest of the day. Look at whether you are setting impossible standards for yourself, if you’re overdoing it for fear of letting people down, the therapist suggests. “[These] tend to be the core beliefs that people have when they get cross and angry” she adds.
And remember that you have already lived through Christmas, many times. As BAAM points out: “Don’t give yourself a hard time about making Christmas perfect – it’s not all your responsibility and it is just one day in the year.”
Keep A Journal
Fisher swears by using an anger management journal to log thoughts, elaborate your views on a problem and prevent harmful behaviours. It is a strategic tool, both to unwind and gain clarity.
“It helps not to let anger gain space in your head, because people tend to ruminate. It goes round and round, and it drives them crazy, so actually writing something down on a page can be really cathartic” he explains.
Nightingale agrees. Journals and worksheets are also at the heart of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (a kind of therapy that focuses on the way thoughts impact behaviour), she says.
“It is key to keep a diary of your thoughts, your angry thoughts, that you can then challenge.”
Truly Listen
As hard as it is, sometimes, you just have to shut up and listen. “When we are angry, it is a difficult time to pay attention to what somebody is saying because we want to defend ourselves, justify ourselves, make excuses for ourselves, and that’s where we start interrupting” Fisher explains.
But if you get stuck in a triggering argument, it would be far more effective and helpful, he points out, to actively listen to the other person and give them space to share what they feel, what they think and what they need.
If you can do that, then you may also need to prepare to take in some feedback, says Nightingale. “If someone has anger management issues, they are getting feedback from family, friends or work.” And it is important to be aware of that: “Just like when you get praise, you need to say: ‘Hey, that’s really good. I needed to hear that’.”
Rely On Others
Use your support network, encourages Fisher. “This is the period of the year when you don’t have to do everything alone, you can actually delegate chores to the different people around you.”
Sharing responsibilities with other adults, or even children, may relieve some stress. “If there is a resistance helping, ask [people] what they would like to do, rather than imposing a chore or a task on them” he suggests.
And seeking support means not only sorting out all the practical things that need to be done, but also sharing personal feelings and thoughts, as Fisher points out. “It’s calling a friend, or calling a family member, someone who understands and is sympathetic to you.” But he warns: “Don’t use it as an opportunity to moan and groan.”
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