Here's a little game I like to play around the holidays with the hardest-to-buy-for humans on my shopping list. I think about the characters these people I love are most like — be it in their personality, lifestyle, or overall level of ridiculousness. Then, I consider what I would get for those characters, as if they were real and not just friends who live in my TV. Presto change-o: I become the present master. And everyone lives happily ever after.
Okay, okay. It doesn't always work perfectly. For example: You can't buy your NYC friend who lives in a teeny-tiny apartment a £1,000 karaoke machine just because his singing voice has a Titus Andronicus tonality to it. His roommates will hate it. Also, if you are like me, you don't have £1,000 to blow on a karaoke machine.
But this strategy does make thinking up presents more fun. It's also how my sister wound up with a boob-shaped one-hitter last year: I never would have arrived at that gift without thinking about all the ways in which she is the Ilana Wexler to my Abbi Abrams. So thank you, Broad City, for the inspiration. Now, on to the 2016 present picks.
Selina Meyer, Veep
If we could, we'd buy her a recount and possibly a parenting book.
Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Rory Gilmore, Gilmore Girls
In no particular order: a gynecologist appointment, the Tinder app so she stops hooking up with dudes from 10 years ago, "a clue," a phone that works everywhere, permission to move on.
Photo: Saeed Adyani/Netflix.
Luke Cage, Luke Cage
He DOES say that one time that he likes black mystery writers, so we might do a little must-read stocking stuffer? Devil in the Blue Dress by Walter Moseley sounds like a good pick.
Photo: Myles Aronowitz/Netflix.
Gary Walsh, Veep
Definitely a Toastmaster's course, also a chic diaper bag for carrying around all of Selina Meyer's stuff.
Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Nas, The Night Of
Laser tattoo-removal treatments and a big freaking'hug.
Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Issa, Insecure
TV tray tables. She and Lawrence ruined their first couch by spilling all over it, but NEVER AGAIN.
Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Olivia Pope, Scandal
Do you think she would derive any pleasure from these Scandal socks?
Photo: Byron Cohen/ABC.
Eleven, Stranger Things
For the love of all things good, someone get this kid a waffle maker, ASAP.
Photo: Curtis Baker/Netflix.
Dolores, Westworld
Somebody get this girl a new painting kit, because it is CLEARLY the thing that keeps her grounded in life.
Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
The Dudes Of Silicon Valley
Full house-cleaning services — this gang is going to need the deep-clean treatment. Every time I turn on this show, I am preoccupied with how filthy their couches probably are.
Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
DEA Agent Javier Peña, Narcos
A better partner. Also maybe some new aviator shades, because no one rocks them like this guy.
Photo: Daniel Daza/Netflix.
Joey, Friends
Honestly, you could get Joey pretty much anything and he would be super jazzed about it. Simple bae is so easy to shop for.
Photo: Chris Haston/NBC/Getty Images.
Fleabag, Fleabag
We couldn't love Fleabag more. But we do think she's earned a little waterproof mascara, so that's our stocking stuffer pick for this lady.
Photo: Courtesy of BBC.
Elizabeth & Philip Jennings, The Americans
These two either need new identities or just a plain old vacation. No couple has ever looked so grey for so many seasons without dying or breaking up. At the very least, somebody get these two a couples' massage.
Photo: Patrick Harbron/FX .
Abbi & Ilana, Broad City
Might we recommend gifting these gals a boob bowl for their marijuana-related pleasure?
Photo: Lane Savage/Comedy Central.
Molly, Insecure
Okay, so we know that Molly isn't into the idea of seeing a therapist but...we might buy her a gift certificate to see a therapist. "Broken pussy" is really just code for "broken heart."
Photo: Courtesy of HBO.
Darius , Atlanta
Maybe Darius gets a nice serving platter for the next time he's carrying around a knife and plate of warm, delicious Tollhouse. (Also if you're not watching this show you're missing out, so get on it.)
Photo: Guy D'Alema/FX.
Carrie Mathison, Homeland
Nothing says "Merry Christmas" like a full-on Kevlar outfit.
Photo: Stephan Rabold/SHOWTIME.
Jane Gloriana Villanueva, Jane The Virgin
Is there any way to just give Jane a break? If not, then she's the queen of cute dresses, and someone should feed that need with an Anthropologie gift certificate.
Photo: Patrick Wymore/The CW.
Maura Pfefferman, Transparent
Three words: Anything. Eileen. Fisher.
Photo: Courtesy of Amazon Studios.
Randall Pearson, This Is Us
Sure, now he knows his bio-dad. But it also seems like Randall is uniquely positioned to enjoy an Ancestry.com package.
Photo: Ron Batzdorff/NBC.
Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Nobody needs an at-home karaoke machine like Titus needs and at-home karaoke machine.
2. Photo: Eric Liebowitz/Netflix.
Bow Johnson, Black-ish
No one has earned a break like this woman. Spa day gift certificate coming right up!
Photo: Bob D'Amico/ABC.
Shelly Pfefferman, Transparent
Is there any more moving moment in this series than when Shelly steps up on stage and finally sings her little heart out? That's a woman who has earned herself some seriously luxurious bath products and a good, long soak.
Photo: Jennifer Clasen/Amazon Studios.
Piper, Orange Is The New Black
If there were ever a woman who needed a Swiss Army knife, it's this gal.
Photo: JoJo Whilden/Netflix.
Mindy Lahiri, The Mindy Project
An doctor who runs around in platform heels makes me afraid — for her ankles. Maybe she just doesn't realise she can customise Nike-iD sneakers yet, but this festive season, I would definitely make sure that gift idea made its way to her.
Photo: Mary Ellen Matthews/FOX.
Alison Lockhart, The Affair
The only time she has ever seemed happy is at that yoga retreat centre with Athena. Maybe give her a new yoga mat? Or a gift certificate to go back there? Something has to change, maybe she would be into essential oils?
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