Does this situation sound familiar? You're going about your work day, minding your own business, and maybe even enjoying yourself. No major crises have arisen, you took an extra long lunch break, and you’ve been rocking out to Lady Gaga’s latest album while finishing up your spreadsheet. You don’t want to jinx it, but you might actually be having a genuinely good, drama-free day at work. Praise the office goddesses!
But then, in a dark twist, you see your boss rapidly approaching your cubicle. There is a fire in her eyes, which tells you that your perfect day may soon turn into a living nightmare. She then sidles up to your desk, and asks you the most terrifying question someone could ask you at 6 p.m. on a Friday: “Could you do one last thing for me before you leave?” Welcome to American Horror Story: Office Edition.
“Could you do one last thing for me” is just one of the many phrases that have the power to ruin an otherwise perfect day at the office. We feel your pain, which is why we’ve rounded up a list of 30 things we hate to hear at work.
For starters, how about hearing your boss tell you, “Call me anytime!” No, I don’t want to call you anytime, especially if that time is not during normal business hours. We are not best friends, I am your employee — so let’s set up some super-fun boundaries! Because I don’t want to field your work questions when I’m drinking pinot grigio and attempting to binge-watch Westworld.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
This phrase is usually uttered by a superior, approximately five minutes before you were planning to make a break for the elevator. Now, instead of meeting your friends for dinner, you will be forced to do “one last thing,” which usually winds up being about five last things which will keep you in the office for another hour. UGH.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Thank you for rousing my inner doughnut monster. This is usually my office doughnut-eating ritual: I will slice the doughnut in half, convincing myself that I will only eat half a doughnut. Then, I will spend the rest of the morning eating approximately 17 halves of doughnuts. I will spend the afternoon in a sugar-induced coma.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
This is always a sentence that sends shivers down my spine. It’s never fun when your boss offers to “treat” everyone to drinks, and all you want to do is just go home. But there’s no way out of this scenario —you will look like a jerk if you don’t attend (mandatory) happy hour.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
This is usually shouted out on a daily basis by the office moocher, who apparently doesn’t realise that gum and/or mints can literally be purchased on just about every street corner.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
This one always makes me laugh/cry. When your boss (who has no idea how to use PowerPoint) offers to “handle the deck this time around,” it means you will get approximately 800 to 1,000 emails asking about basic functions of PowerPoint.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Why? So we can stop talking about this now, and then bring it up again and again in every subsequent meeting and never solve the issue?
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Oh, the office fire drill. Don’t you just love being forced to walk down 19 flights of fire stairs, while an insanely loud alarm destroys your ear drums? If you’re smart, you will take a long lunch BEFORE the fire drill starts — and avoid ever having to hear those two words.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Then why did you show up to the office? So you could infect me as well? Sick days are a marvellous thing: You get to stay home and watch Will & Grace reruns, while eating cookie dough out of a tube. Why would you trade that in for a day at the office, and the chance of giving all your coworkers the same miserable flu?
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
No one does. This is a thankless task, which will wind up taking 1,000% of your time, as your boss vetoes every date, location, and Secret Santa plan you put forth.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
This is the classic, passive-aggressive way for your boss to accuse you of not working. It starts with suspicious hovering, as your boss sneaks up from behind — hoping to catch you idly checking Facebook. Then, she will ambush you, with a harsh “What are you working on right now?” You will stutter, caught off guard. She will then assign you hours of pointless busy work, to make sure you don’t go a moment without “something to work on."
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Appendicitis is urgent. A plane crash is urgent. The release of a surprise Beyoncé single is urgent. But finishing a google spreadsheet is decidedly NOT urgent. So please, don’t tell me that it is.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
This phrase is always uttered by someone who will never, ever, no matter how many times you show them, EVER UNDERSTAND HOW TO WORK SNAPCHAT. In fact, there should be a limit on the number of times you are allowed to try to “figure out” Snapchat. If you haven’t gotten it by your 10th try, chances are you will NEVER understand Snapchat.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Probably because we aren’t friends in real life, and I have no desire to fill my Facebook feed with your cat selfies.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
There is an awkward art to signing a birthday card for a coworker you barely know. What to say? Maybe: “Happy Bday! Remind me where you sit again?” Or perhaps this: “Happy Birthday — I always love the way we barely make eye contact when we have to share an elevator.” Or this is always a winner: “Happy Birthday, I will enjoy eating your cake, even if I can’t remember your name.”
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Don’t you just love when your boss swoops in with a last-minute, surprise deadline? A project that you thought you had all week to complete, is now urgently needed by EOD. You can look forward to a day filled with coffee-chugging, lunch-skipping, deadline-induced insanity.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
I also have finish this quarterly report by EOD so I can go out to dinner with my friends at a reasonable hour — and right now, that takes precedence over this stupid wedding flash mob.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Never, ever say this to me in an office setting unless you want me to turn into a full-blown cocoa-deprived demon right in front of your eyes. There is nothing worse than when the office snack supply is completely out of chocolate, meaning that I will not get my 4 p.m. M&M fix.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Yes, yes I do mind. Unless “this” is a ticket to the Kanye concert, I very much mind “taking a look at this over the weekend.”
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
The moment when you hit the rewind button on your meeting, and spend another 10 minutes rehashing everything you’ve already covered once. Why hasn’t anyone invented meeting DVR yet?
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Cue the incessant and constant adjustment of the air conditioning for the rest of eternity.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Okay, cool! There’s always the one super-fit lunch-time workout warrior, who just loves to talk about her workout routine and rub her green-juiced healthiness in everyone’s face.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Don’t you just love answering this question approximately 80 times every Monday morning?
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Don’t you just hate when people say “hi” on Gchat, and then nothing else. It’s like, “What do you want from me? Why leave me hanging in suspense? Just get to the point!”
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
This is always code for: “I don’t feel like doing my job, so can you do it for me?”
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
This is usually spoken by someone who has no desire to hear your honest opinion, and only wants praise for the work they’ve done. In fact, if you do voice your honest, critical opinion — it will likely be met with passive-aggressive rage.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Nothing good ever came from a conversation that started with the phrase “Can I talk to you for a second?” This is almost always a precursor to certain doom.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
It is physiologically impossible for my body to function before the hour of 9 a.m., unless I am being paid a massive amount of cash. So no, I can’t come in early, unless you are prepared to seriously bribe me.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
I have not taken a piggyback ride since third grade, and have no desire to take one now in this 4 p.m. budget meeting. We are not in elementary school people, so let’s not talk like we are.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.
Your boss is going to give you a raise! Congrats! But your boss also says you should “talk more about it over lunch.” Uh-oh. As we all know, scheduling a lunch meeting with your boss is impossible — it WILL get rescheduled 18 times. When your boss asks you to talk about something over lunch, it means that you will talk about it approximately one year from now.
Illustrated by Louisa Cannell.Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
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