According to the Office for National Statistics, 42% of UK marriages end in divorce and 34% of marriages are expected to end in divorce by the 20th year – meaning that thousands of us become the children of divorced parents each year. This high divorce rate means that many of us also have step-parents, our divorced parents either choosing to marry again or take up long-term partners.
The experience of a parental breakup can vary wildly from the horrific – Sarah, 23 – “My parents’ divorce was so acrimonious, that my Dad kidnapped us and took us to another country when we were teenagers, just to spite my Mum” to the harmonious James, 19 – “My Dad was best man for my new Mum’s new husband. They all go on holiday together and my Mum is godmother to my stepsister.”
But the representation of step-parents in literature, film and popular culture is rarely positive. One of the first really negative archetypes children experience in literature is the wicked stepmother in fairy tales. The most famous examples are in Cinderella, Snow White and Hansel and Gretel. In these stories, the stepmother, so consumed by jealousy of the father’s natural progeny with the (pure and usually dead) natural mother, either utilises the kids as underpaid and overworked staff or attempts to murder them. Disney has reinforced this stereotype so successfully that the title ‘stepmother', for children at least, mostly invokes images of witches, long black cloaks and dark spells.
Step-parents in more recent popular culture haven’t fared much better. From the paedophilic kidnapper of a stepfather Humbert Humbert in Lolita, the fascist dictator stepfather in Pan’s Labyrinth, to the rubbish stepfather (compared to Liam Neeson) in Taken. Most recently, the evil stereotype resurfaced in the form of Olivia Coleman’s deliciously evil turn as the greedy, grasping, bitchy stepmum in BBC series Fleabag – our love of hating on the step-parent remains strong.
Popular culture often exists as a mirror reflecting both who we are and how we feel, and in the case of its representation of the step-parent it appears to be fairly accurate – a lot of us remain wary of them. This isn’t really surprising when you consider a step-parent usually comes about at the expense of a personal tragedy for the child (regardless of age) – either the split of their natural parents, or the death of one of their parents. This is a conflict few stepparents are able to either resolve or reconcile – even the good ones who probably try hard to.
However, in 2016 – where even the most solid seeming couples aren’t immune from the divorce courts, and lots of us have known our step-parents for longer than we knew our parents as a couple – have our attitudes towards the step-parent evolved?
I have two step-parents – neither married to my respective parents, but both long-term partners, and both refer to me as their “stepdaughter.” And I like both of them. In particular, I have an emotional bond with my Dad’s partner, because they have two now-teenage daughters, both of whom I am very close to, and are a similar age to I was when my parents split up. There were certainly some angry and difficult times – particularly when I was an angry, difficult teenager myself – but now as an adult, I think it would be peculiar for me to get on anything but well with my step-parents.
As my half-sisters blossom into young women, I find them calling me and coming round to my flat with increasing regularity – particularly after an argument with their parents. Their teenage anxieties and questions make me smile (and cry), and I love watching them grow into lovely women. My parents’ divorce did cause me pain all those years ago – but many good things came out of it, and two in particular – so how could I possibly resent that now?
Ahead, I asked eight adults to share their experiences with their step-parent. Do they like them? Why or why not? And how close a role can a step-parent ever really play to a biological parent? From tales of loss to forgiveness, the results came in mixed...
Some names have been changed
Jake, 23, says his parents’ divorce and subsequent remarriages were a blessing
When I was 19, my dad, who has always struggled with serious depression and alcoholism, came out as gay. It was like a weight had lifted not just from him, but after the shock, the whole family. He and my Mum had had a terrible relationship since I could remember and my earliest childhood ambition was to join a circus, which doesn’t really surprise me. My uncle was a circus performer and he always seemed so happy. As soon as my dad was with Brian, he was a different man. He stopped drinking completely and went to therapy. He even started getting on better with my Mum and she did a speech at his wedding that made me bawl.
Brian is a lovely man. He’s really kind, funny and patient and doesn’t let my dad act like a dickhead, which he needs, badly. My brother recently came out and Brian has helped him a lot on that journey as he’s only fifteen. I’m proud to call Brian my stepdad.
Rachel, 25, says her step mum is her go-to in a crisis
My step mum Laurie and my dad met when I was about two years old, married when I was four, and were together until three years ago. My mum had her own husband, but always talked crap about my step mum – that she was only with my dad because of his money, or that she should get a job, or that she didn't care about me as much as her own children (my stepbrother and sister, whom Laurie had with my dad). I think hearing all of this put me off Laurie, which was maybe my mum's intention (her feelings towards my dad weren't very affectionate either).
That said, Laurie has always persevered with our relationship. Hard. She put up with me crying as a child if she tried to hold me. She put up with me being rude to her. She's put up with me not wanting to see her. I warmed to her during my teenage years slowly, and then, when I was about 17, we had a kind of breakthrough. I broke up with my first boyfriend and I was devastated. I found it was much easier to talk to her about it than my biological parents (perhaps because it was so personal). I found the same a few years later when I came out as gay to Laurie. And throughout subsequent breakups.
She is always there like a rock... and I'm pleased to say it's not just in the bad times. Even though she's no longer with my dad we still occasionally go out, have dinner and get pissed together. It's nice to have someone to bitch about my dad with... someone who gets it. Plus, you know, she's the mother of my siblings – so even if she weren't so great, it would still be important to me to stay in touch.
Charlotte, 29, knew her stepmother for longer than she knew her birth mother
Mum died from breast cancer when I was very young and my stepmother has been married to Dad since I was twelve. It wasn’t an easy relationship to begin with, for me or my brother, but Miriam really worked at it. By the time I was fifteen, Jim and I called her 'Mum' and she formally adopted us when I was 16 and Jim was 14. I knew Miriam for much longer than I knew my own Mum, so she began to take over my own mother in my mind. I struggle to really remember what my own Mum looked like anymore. I just know from pictures.
Two years ago, Miriam was also diagnosed with breast cancer. It seemed the cruellest of fates. She died a little over six months ago. I will miss her forever. I loved her very, very much.
April, 25, says her family situation could be made into a Hollywood comedy to rival Meet the Parents
My parents and stepparents are like nobody else’s. My parents got divorced donkey’s years ago, when I was still in primary school. My mum is on her third husband. I didn’t like the second one at all, but the third one is great. They only way I can describe him, is to compare him to Mr Toad in Wind in the Willows. He’s very loud and posh, drives everywhere in one of his cars at about 300mph with the roof down – even in the winter. He’s very wealthy, drinks like a fish, insults everyone he meets – and everyone loves him for it. He is ridiculously generous and buys amazing presents that used to embarrass me, but I’ve gotten used to now. One of my friends needed life-saving surgery recently and didn’t have the money to do it privately. He gave her the money – that was pretty amazing.
Conversely, my dad’s partner is a feminist academic and teaches Women’s Studies. As you can imagine, she is pretty right on and serious. You’d expect her to absolutely hate my stepdad as he still calls women “fillies” – but, weirdly, they get on brilliantly and we often spend Christmases all together.
Charlotte, 28, “has issues” with her stepfather – but more as a result of how he treats her mum, than her
I don’t dislike my stepfather per se. I mean, it would be pretty stupid to. I’ve never lived with him and don’t have that much to do with him. However, I do really struggle with how he treats mum, when I go there to visit and at Christmases and that. He’s quite a big, domineering personality and is always, always right. Seriously, he’d argue passionately the sky is green, and believe it. As a result, I think Mum has become a bit downtrodden over the years and has lost quite a bit of her personality. She always agrees with him, which annoys me a bit, because she used to have much more of a fiery personality. He also makes ‘jokes’ at her expense, which I don’t find very funny – I think they’re demeaning. My boyfriend is much more tolerant of him, and says I am being over-sensitive, and that Mum seems very happy. As I say, I don’t mind him – but I don’t think I could stand him for more than a couple of days at a time.
Reena, 22, is more ambivalent about her stepfather, but it’s more down to “personality and cultural differences, than actually disliking him”
I was bought up in a very liberal, academic household. My dad died when I was sixteen from stomach cancer and it absolutely devastated me and my sisters. My dad was a geneticist and very, very clever. My mum barely left the house for two years, let alone dated. However, somewhere along the line, she took interest and stated attending this support group for bereaved widows at her local church. She met and eventually married this guy, Stefan, who is OK – but really, really different. He’s a happy-clappy Christian, which is fine, but he just seems like an odd choice for my Mum. He plays the guitar, makes us say grace at the table and asks me ‘what would Jesus do?’ whenever I have a problem.
Jen, 26, says that, despite the fact that he cheated on her mum, she still has respect for her step dad
My mum and dad had never been together (they broke up while she was pregnant), so I had never known my mum to be with him. They split time looking after me – mum week, dad weekends. My mum married Tom when I was four years old. They met through work. I didn't take to him initially; I have a very distinct memory of having a tantrum on a family holiday when I was six and yelling "I hate you, you pig" at him, which obviously I feel bad about now.
When I became a teenager, we got on better because he was into bands like The Smiths and introduced me to cool magazines. He seemed a lot more involved in pop culture, and up for a chat about it, than my mum. When I was about 14 we went on a skiing holiday with some family friends, just me and him, and it was the first time we hung out without my mum there, and that's when I'd say we really bonded. My mum used to nag us both terribly, and so I guess it was just nice for us to have a break from it.
When I was 16, I remember waking up one morning and my mum was screaming at Tom. She cut up his credit cards and put them down the toilet along with his phone, and then started throwing his clothes out of the window. Turns out Tom was having an affair. I saw him once or twice after that, although the memory is hazy. But now I haven't seen Tom in 10 years. I don't have any resentment towards him, as I understand adults make mistakes (and to be honest, maybe it wasn't totally one – maybe it was the right thing, done the wrong way). I've seen through Facebook stalking that he has his own children now – and I'm happy for him – and for them. He was a good surrogate father.
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
What A Star Is Born Gets Right About Addiction & Relationships
These Detailed Sexual Fantasies Are So Much Better Than Fifty Shades Of Grey