With age comes wisdom, or at least, that's how the saying goes. We've found that the older we get, the more we learn about being a women in this world; how to navigate the pressures, how to look in the mirror and come to terms with what we see, how to support other women in feeling good about themselves. And yet, there's always a way to go, always more to learn.
So, who better to point us in the right direction than our own grandmothers? They've lived through wars, through various waves of feminism, and through drastic changes in fashion. Oh, and they're generally quite good at putting things into perspective when we're being dramatic.
Ahead, six Refinery29 writers from the UK ask their grandmas for advice on body image. What were their biggest insecurities growing up? What are their top tips for feeling confident today? And what does beauty mean to them? Disclaimer: This slideshow may put a lump in your throat.
Vera, 85, living in Perth Australia, born in Malaysia – interviewed by Jade Jackman
What's a body image issue that's bothered you over the years and why?
Growing up, my friends and sisters in Malaysia, we just wanted to look like the women in the American pictures. But coming from a more rural and traditional family, we weren’t allowed to copy that way of life. I remember desperately wanting to be more European but not having the chance to do it! Me, especially, I was very influenced by the way white women looked when I was growing up.
Do you still experience the same insecurities? If yes, how have you learned to live with it, if no, what helped you overcome it?
After getting married and, actually, coming to Europe, I realised how people would comment on me being so different. When that is constantly pointed out to you, I am not sure you can overcome it! But, I made something out of it. I kept on wearing the cheongsam … [traditional dress] I had a good figure then! I wanted to show it off in the dress and enjoy myself even if everyone thought I looked different. At the time, lots of people stared but I am glad I did it like that, now that I am old!
What does beauty mean to you?
When I was younger, I had to dress like a boy. I had my hair shaved due to the Japanese occupation of Malaya. I even needed to pretend to be like a boy, go on the farm and feed the pigs. So, from that experience, I placed more emphasis on wanting to look feminine and wear red lipstick as I grew older.
What does feminism mean to you?
We never had things like feminism when I was growing up. As a girl, you were just meant to do what you were told. But, I was always rebellious and told off by my family for being so. They used to beat me because I was so naughty and wanted to chuck me out the house. But, I always had an independent spirit and, despite everything, I am glad I did. Things are different for women today, especially in England or America. But, the same thing applies, you have to fight to do what you want.
How have attitudes to the way women look changed over the years? Can you give examples?
We never talked about sex lives and things like that when I was younger. Now people are so much more accepting of relationships and families more accepting of different decisions. Women are allowed to follow their own dreams and ideas. A big thing for me is that people are celebrating being mixed race more. When I had children, yourself and your mum, people would always look at me and judge me. They’d ask, ‘Why are your children mixed European and something else!’ Now, it isn’t as much of a big deal. People appreciate and like having different cultural ways of life. So, I hope this will keep changing and you will have more choice about how you want to dress and how to celebrate the appearance of your race and culture.
J ean 'Naggie' Shaw, 87, grew up in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire – interviewed by Eleanor Shaw
What do the words ‘body image’ mean to you? What did they mean when you were younger?
When I was a teenager, we were all too modest to talk about body image. You didn’t really have a body. I remember when I was 18, everything was rationed and on coupons. You couldn’t get anything; you couldn’t buy anything. Size and shape weren’t important. I never dieted. Although food was rationed, women were better fed than they are nowadays. We made wonderful meals with what we had. I think it’s harder nowadays for people – there’s so much waste.
Did you feel good about your body?
I always felt good about my body! I married at 23. When you start having children, your shape changes so much and I never worried about my body changing. I was so thrilled to be having babies that I didn’t care.
How did you consider beauty?
The first thing you did when you left school was buy a lipstick and get the ends of your hair permed. But beyond that, we didn’t wear makeup – there was nothing to be had. We couldn’t afford it and you couldn’t get it on coupons. I was using a ration book until 1952. We used Nivea cream for everything. You had to know somebody in the shop in order to get your hands on the big names like Elizabeth Arden, which wasn’t on coupons.
What were your friendships like?
I always had female friends; there were two or three of us at a time going out. We talked about boys, but never about sex, or our bodies. It just wasn’t a topic of conversation.
Are you happy you grew up in the generation you did?
Yes, I really am. There’s too much temptation nowadays – too much choice. You girls have it so hard. People are so much more selfish. People don’t help people!
Audrey, 91, from Hull – interviewed by Grace Campbell
What's your favourite body part, Nan?
I like my hips and I also like my bottom. I don't have a big bottom, though. I don't want the Kardashian bottom.
Has anything made you feel insecure about the way you look in the past?
I was plump when I was young and didn't mind it at all, but I minded it as I got older. When I was at school my boobs were too big, so I used to try and flatten them! I’ve actually always disliked my breasts because they're big and pendulous – they’re big for a five foot two or something woman, always have been. They came really early, when I was 12, they just puffed up.
How have you learnt to come to terms with your insecurities?
Don’t worry too much about what you eat! Obsession with thinness doesn't attract me; I like a rounded body. My mum was comely, and she never wore a bra, she didn't have particularly firm breasts either.
What is beauty to you?
That's a curious question, what's beautiful in a woman? For me, an arresting face rather than a pretty one. A conventionally pretty face is not necessarily beautiful but a different face always is.
How has the way women are expected to look changed in your lifetime?
It's OK to have totally messy hair now. When I was young, if somebody had really messy hair, they'd say she was, I don’t know, dirty. You had to have neat hair, always. And neat clothes. Women can wear anything they like now. They can wear snow boots on their feet and a bra top and nothing else. It's a curious mix of dress! Fashion has changed tremendously. It doesn't matter now if you are unkempt – in fact, it's stylish. It's also the norm now to show a lot of cleavage and expose as much of your body as possible. But in the 40s we were wrapped up tightly in our dresses, nothing to see! Maybe it's not the clothes but the bodies that have changed... I wonder if bodies dictate fashion or if fashion dictates your body.
Doreen, Winchester, 75 – interviewed by Amelia Abraham
When were you in your 20s? How was it different for girls then?
In the 1960s. There’s more pressure now with advertising and media, how you've got to have your nails, your skin, your hair done. All of that was natural in the '60s – or you did it yourself, at least. You didn’t have people advertising to you about getting this shampoo, or wearing this or that. There were so many different fashions, hippy people... and people that wanted to be like models like Twiggy.
What did you want to be like?
I wanted to be like myself! But I've always thought a lot about my appearance and I still do now. I used to think about what was fashionable – pointy shoes, nice skirts. I used to worry about it.
At what age did you feel most comfortable with the way you looked?
In my 40s. By then you're not so self conscious and you're more comfortable in your body. I felt I looked the best I had ever looked; I’d had a divorce, so I made a bit more effort.
Did having children young affect the way you felt?
I was 18 when I had your mum and I didn’t worry about my body then. I wasn’t embarrassed about being pregnant 'cause it was normal to do it young at that time, and I got my body back to how it was before quite quickly. Then I was 24 when I had your aunt and I didn’t get very big so I just wore a T-shirt and jeans still. I wasn’t conscious of my body but I was conscious of getting it back through a bit of walking and exercise.
Anyway body image bothered you over life?
My big ankles! They’ve always worried me. Now they swell 'cause of my bad hip, but I never had slim little ankles and I've always wanted them. I do try to cover it up with trousers – I don’t wear skirts very often. I haven’t worried about it too much or let it upset me, I just dressed around it.
How would you define beauty in a person?
Personality and what comes from inside is what makes someone beautiful, but you wont get that until you learn to love yourself. The rest of it you can make beautiful with makeup and everything else but really it comes out from within.
And style?
Style is a knowledge of what's going on around you. My friend Denise wears lovely clothes and jewellery and keeps up with the fashions – she’s stylish. It’s the way you present yourself and the relationship between your clothes and personality. People that aren’t conscious of their fashion and people that are too conscious aren't stylish. It's about balance and wearing clothes that suit you. That’s stylish.
What would your advice be to me when it comes to body image?
Once you learn to love yourself you'll project that to other people. And look after yourself! Don’t drink too much, don’t take drugs and get some sleep. That helps you feel better in lots of ways. And if you can't love yourself, then start with liking yourself.
Ann, 82, Lewes – interviewed by Emily Carlton
How has the way you feel about your body changed over the years?
I think some things improve as you get older; you project your body better, become less embarrassed about the things that aren’t good. It’s not to do with your body shape changing, it’s that you’re not so worried about it, so you stand and walk better.
How do you feel about your body now compared to when you were younger?
Oh god I can’t even look in the mirror anymore. That disturbs me no end. I certainly don’t like revealing my body. It’s fine putting clothes on. But the bones start collapsing, the muscles shrink, the flesh isn’t taught. It happens slowly – you notice odd bits and think oh well thats not too bad, but it just goes on and on. Like the bits above your elbow, between your elbow and your shoulder, that becomes all flabby.
Have you found it relaxing at all, worrying less about your appearance?
Yes, it can be liberating. With friends, they either like me or they don’t like me, and I don’t keep those people in my life. I like the friends that can say whatever they like to me, and I don’t feel embarrassed if I look terrible with. I might say, ‘For god's sake, I look frightful!’ But to them, it doesn’t really matter. Until a few years ago I always tried to look good when my daughters were visiting. I felt I should set a good example. But these footballers' wives, or people like Joan Collins, they must spend their whole lives trying to be perfect. It seems exhausting, and really boring. What a waste of time that must be, and these days it doesn’t even help you get a job like it used to.
If you could pass on one piece of advice for a younger generation of women, what would it be?
I would just say do the best that they can to feel good, by looking as good as they can, so that somebody tells them they look marvellous. But that’s as far as you need to go. Doing that gives you confidence, and confidence about the way you look gives you confidence in the way you approach people.
Kathleen Walker, 84, Lancaster – interviewed by Tom Rasmussen
What's given you confidence about your body over the years?
My favourite thing about my body was when I was about 23, and I had a nice colour hair, not too curly. But I’ve never really thought about it, I never really wanted to change much. I got married quite young, I had a very nice mum and family who lived all around me and I felt very supported. At a push, I’d have liked to have different legs, for them to be more shapely. To me, my legs just went up and down, there was no special shape about them that I liked. I used to look at other people’s legs, and think 'I wish I had their legs.' But I just got on with it. I tried buying a very expensive pair of sandals which I liked very much, but I came to realise there wasn’t any difference when I wore them.
What does beauty mean to you?
Beauty can be found in different ways, it can be found in looking at a person and thinking ‘they are beautiful.’ It’s more complicated than just visuals.
Do you think you’re a beautiful person?
No, not at all, I don’t think I look beautiful, but I think what’s more important is that when people meet me, I try to be kind and nice, and to offer happiness and I think that is beautiful.
What does the word "feminism" mean to you?
Being a feminist is about wanting equality for women next to men. The way of life for women, thank goodness, has changed. Women were regarded as having to do the menial things in life and just get on with them. But, slowly, women have totally altered things, and I think this is incredibly important. I think women deserve a better deal, even still. I wanted to be a doctor, I was clever enough, but we didn’t have the money and I was a girl. So if I wasn’t going to be a doctor, I was going to marry one, which I did. I’ve noticed how women have changed over the years: we have become much more aware of the better things we have access to. I’ve noticed women claiming more power, in the media and in the world. I think it’s brilliant that women are able to discuss and display their sexuality now.
If you were to pass on anything you've learnt to younger women, what would it be?
If someone came to me and said ‘Oh I feel ugly,’ I would say, 'Take another look at yourself.' You can’t be ugly if you’re a kind, giving, nice, warm person. Do some more thinking, work hard on yourself and how you feel about yourself, not your body and your face and your hair. That doesn’t matter. Now my legs are in bandages, I am so glad I focused on being kind and having a happy life, and not on my appearance, because it doesn’t really matter. If you enjoy that, that’s OK, but it doesn’t matter. I don’t care about my legs, or how shapely they are. I remember being happy for other reasons, never about looks.
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