"Sorry, is it 2002? Are you going to start tippexing Nirvana lyrics on your rucksack too?" asked my friend when I revealed my ambitious spring denim plan: to cover my mom jeans in patches.
No, I protested. They’re a logical extension of the embroidery and embellishment trend that is everywhere this summer. A lovely craft project. A knowing tribute to the '70s and the '90s, rolled into one sturdy pair of one-of-a-kind trews. She remained unconvinced. “Will you wear an army surplus shirt and safety pin a Teletubby to your PE kitbag?”
I tried another style sounding board. “Er. Patches?” this one said, with the furrowed brow of one who really wants to understand. “Like the Brownies? Or when we did appliqué in GCSE textiles?”
“Maybe.”
“Ok. Sure. Why?”
When a third fash-savvy pal, one who can usually be relied on to pat me on the head and send me off into the sartorial arena with her blessing, declared, “I’m reserving judgement until I’ve seen it,” as though I was taking up parkour or planning to tile my kitchen entirely in seashells, I started to worry I was wrong on this one.
Had I dreamed it? Were patches a fashion mirage? Or a trend only under-25s could see, like dogs with high-pitched noises? Am I suddenly Edina in AbFab, surrounded by Saffys? Let’s be honest, nobody wants to embark on a new wardrobe venture by grabbing frowning friends by the shoulders and yelling “IT’S A THING, I SWEAR IT IS.”
But sceptics be damned – it’s a thing, I swear it is. And I'm obsessed.
As with any niche interest or perversion, a quick Google provided enough reassurance that it’s not only me. In the safe space of the internet I’ve found everything from '70s peace-and-love signs to thoroughly modern designs with a little more cynicism in their stitches. Here are the very best, and they’re all iron-on, so the only needling involved is from the friends who just don’t get it. Yet.
Kitsch and pastel-pretty, French accessories brand Coucou Suzette is winning the patch game. You can sew their perfectly spherical boob patches onto your jacket, wherever you like. Their splash patch (pictured) is equally cheeky and would look great diving into your back pocket.
Coucou Suzette splash patch, £7.35 from Etsy
If your natural denim reference points are more Banarama or Club Tropicana than Boogie Nights, you can still join the patch party; Coucou Suzette’s cocktail patch is all Friday Feelings, all the time.
Coucou Suzette cocktail patch, £8.17 from Etsy
Whimsical UK designer Rosie Wonders has a cute selection of patches, featuring cacti, donkeys, mermaids and palm trees, plus inspiration from a little closer to home.
I know what you’re thinking: is wearing a Hackney patch when you don’t live in Hackney like wearing a Ramones T-shirt when you only know "Blitzkrieg Bop"? According to Wikipedia, the hobby of patch-collecting took off in the early 20th century as a way for people to keep souvenirs of the places they’d visited on holiday. So as long as you’ve been east of Angel, you’re probably fine.
Rosie Wonders Hackney and stag patches, £7.50 for both
And if you’d rather go for one decorative statement, this giant rose is all you need to rekindle your relationship with last year’s denim jacket.
Another source of pure Etsy joy, Kodiak Milly has patches to express all your inner desires and feelings. Once upon a time, people wore their politics on their sleeve with CND and Che Guevara patches, and in 2016 we have ‘Official pizza inspector’, ‘Jeff Goldblum Appreciation Society’ and ‘My dog is my bae’.
Milly also sells a Cool Kid Starter Pack of three patches, so you don’t have to split your allegiance.
Kodiak Milly Jeff Goldblum Appreciation Society patch, £6.20 from Etsy
Then, secret basics of the world, raise your syrupy lattes with PRIDE...
Kodiak Milly Secretly Basic Patch, £6.20 from Etsy
And this is inspired by the Saturday Night Live ‘Red Flag’ sketch, but us Brits can pretend it’s that song by Shampoo...
Kodiak Milly red flag trouble patch, £5.60 from Etsy
Good old Hobbycraft has a plethora of retro patches – think fuzzy varsity letters, national flags and surfing motifs, all without a trace of irony. Even better, they’re practically old money prices.
Tip: turn a high street bomber into a credible vintage fake by wonkily sewing on someone else’s initials. Voila, ‘history’.
Hobbycraft iron on letter motif, £2
Once rented a pedalo at Center Parcs? Congrats, you’re in the Marine Club...
Proving that bleak is the new black, Bad Vibes’ webshop is a breath of fresh air among all the unicorn patches and doughnut pins.
But it’s ok – goths can still be cat people.
Bad Vibes Catskull patch, £4.93
Patch and pin badge babes Rosehound Apparel ship from Toronto, so you’re going to need to be patient – but their achingly on-point patches are worth the wait.
Any old fool with an iron can wear a thread patch, but a fuzzy chenille patch is next-level. And you never know, by the time this beauty arrives from the States it might even be ice lolly weather.
Rosehound Apparel creamsicle chenille patch, £5.64
Then this motivational number is available in two different sizes, depending on how much of a Monday morning arse-kick you need...
Rosehound Apparel Dream Machine patch, £4.23
Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw, guys – the perfect patch for your inner Veronica. How very.
Nobody does easy modern kitsch quite like Skinnydip, so stock up on their best iron on patches before your 12-year-old niece discovers them.
This two-pack from ASOS has a pair of lovely, traditional vay-cay reminders.
Skinnydip Paradise iron on patches, £8 for two from ASOS
Yes...
Skinnydip Nope iron on patches, £8 for two from ASOS
Stay Home Club is the name, ennui is the game. “A club that never meets but a club nonetheless” – the SHC gang’s gorgeously melancholic patches and pins tread just the right side of twee. There are sad cats, weeping Eagles and flowers that proclaim “Slowly but surely.” Like an accessory and a daily therapy sesh in one.
Stay Home Club Slowly but surely patch, £3.53
Then Laura Manfré’s giant fluffy cat patch is the pet you’ve always wanted, minus vet’s bills.
Stay Home Club Ragdoll patch, £4.23
And these beautiful leaves are just begging to be positioned on either side of your arse, so you can literally rest on your laurels.
Wear your geek heart on your sleeve with Spanish designer La Barbuda’s patches, inspired by E.T., Jurassic Park and Star Wars. The force is an iron...
About as millennial a selection of patches as you’re going to find anywhere, These Are Things’ designs include a chill pill, a tribute to antisocial media and an ‘I did my best’ rosette to ease all your Yuccie angst.
These Are Things I Did My Best rosette patch, £3.51
Introverts are so hot right now...
You’re busy. You don’t have time to argue with every mansplainer on the internet. So adorn yourself with this pastel-pretty takedown instead, to save time. There’s also a Feminist Killjoy version.
Bonus points if you have a man iron it on for you.
Hand Over Your Fairy Cake's Fragile Masculinity iron on patch, £6
Look past the kiddie packaging (and also the fact that they are actually intended for kids), because illustrator Jennie Maizels has some seriously covetable patch candy. Rockets, rainbows and lovebirds, oh my!
Her ‘clothes plasters’ are all designed to cover up wear and tear in childrens’ clothing, but hey, sometimes grown-ups fall over too.
Jennie Maizels Dance iron on patch, £3.49
Then you can pass off this swellegant crown patch as a timely tribute to her majesty – by which I mean Beyoncé.
If none of the witty, zeitgeisty Etsy bumf is appealing, and what you actually want from your patch experience is to believe you are back in the form room listening to Blink 182 and trying to stick and poke tattoo your mate with a compass, you need Extreme Largeness.
Their massive selection of iron-ons covers everything from peace signs and yin-yangs to planets and Slipknot. Think of it as your quarter-life crisis in haberdashery form.
Like what you see? How about some more R29 goodness, right here?
17 Ways To Style The Humble Bandana